Introducing...

Ninja and Nemo... I'm not a photo journalist, so bear with me on the poor photo quality. Nemo has a few light black stripes down her sides (yes, they are light black, not grey...you'd have to meet the little fishy to totally grasp it..they almost look like thick stripe shadows..yes, it's weird, but it means she'll definitely fit in with the fam!) Ninja has the black dorsal fin. He must be camera shy, because he was doing his darnedest to hide it from me.
With everyone introducing their new fur babies to the world, I saw it fit to introduce my new family additions as well...
Stay tuned for the next introduction: Random crap from Target that just HAD to come home with me and join my family...

Isn't It Lovely?

Thank you, PMS, for only lasting a few days...hence, my funky funk has dissipated, and I am in a lovely mood.
My tables turned this past friday. I think it was the combination of seeing a cool movie (in an actual theater), being able to enjoy a beer with some friends, chopping off my hair, finally putting fish into little-mans aquarium, cleaning most of my linens, starting my taxes and cleaning my car like it has never been cleaned before. Sounds like a lot on paper, and I have been busy, don't get me wrong...but it's really not as much as I would have liked to do! It was also a glorious weekend (weather wise), which is helping me get through the current blizzard we are experiencing here...Thank god for the warm weather so this snow will only last a day!
Little-man was able to play outside with his cousin yesterday..it was awesome! I long for the day when I own a house, just so little-man will have a safe place outside to go, without having to be supervised with every little step that he takes :)

Twist Of The Day (TOTD):
The snow storm today is the first snow storm of the season that HASN'T made me start humming "It's Beginning to look a lot like Christmas." I'm ready for winter to be over and done with (at least until it's a sweltering 95 degrees and super humid!).

Funky Funk

I am in a funk. There are many reasons (excuses) for my funk..but I don't know how I will snap out of this one.
~My house is still a mess and I have no idea how I am going to get it in order.
~I am still overweight and miserable, and losing exercise motivation.
~I have had two "friendships" dissipate in the year 2008...maybe it's for the better, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
~Little man continues to spit when I tell him "no." I made a small step this morning by telling him he needs to say "I'm Mad." instead of spitting...he proceeded to say "I mad." and then give me a hug..but five minutes later, started spitting again.
~My dating outlook is lookin extremely negative. I haven't been able to put myself out there, even after signing up for a stupid online dating membership. It's so frustrating I just want to scream.
~Some of my friends are going through some pretty dark times, and I feel extremely guilty for being in this funk, because I know life could get worse. I admire them for their strength...they are way better people than I am.
~To expand on the previous blurb..I am a fricken baby and need to learn how to swallow things instead of festering. grr to me!
~I don't want to be so hard on myself, but I know my issues need to be addressed, and being hard on myself is the only way I know how.

Doughnuts and Dreams...

I waved to M as she was entering the state fair...toting a white trailer behind her "woody" station wagon. From the drivers seat, she exclaimed "I have a mini doughnut stand this year...catch ya later!" I really wanted to work at the doughnut stand with her...I believe I left her a voicemail requesting this, but never received a response.
Me showed up a little later, sporting a classic looking red and gold mini doughnut stand. She was also going to be selling the tasty treats at the fair. She also divulged to me that M didn't need me to work with her, so that is why I never received a return call. She said M had a different friend come and work..I was a little sad. I begged Me if I could work in her doughnut stand...she hesitantly said "Sure."
When I arrived for my first doughnut stand shift, I was greeted by a man who was rockin the mini's like a superstar. He had a secret batter, and would whip up each batch from scratch. He had a special technique for the birth of each little ring of deliciousness. He even had a special mixture of cinnamon and sugar (with a third, and super strange sounding ingredient that was supposed to bring the mini doughnut to another dimension). Out of nowhere, everything was ruined. Our doughnut stand had become overrun with fruit flies (no thanks to the third secret ingredient in the sugar/cinnamon mixture). We had to close, and my days in the mini doughnut ring were over.

...This was my dream that woke me up this morning.

Censored?

I was looking for a mental escape. It was the beginning of winter, I was stressed out to the max and feeling completely alone. I know I have good friends I could call upon, but I was afraid to do so. I had heard my friends talk about their "blogs" but had no idea what it was, or how I went about attaining one. All I knew, was I needed an outlet, and I had run out of options.
I started writing. I had never been a huge fan of a written journal. My hand would always cramp. I would also forget to write in it for months at a time. The blog was the answer to my problems.
Some would say that I am obsessive over posting. Others would say that my blog is boring, long, and on the verge of lame. To them, I say "to each their own." I am not clever, witty, or very creative. But these posts, for the most part, have kept me from falling into a deep vortex. It's amazing to think that venting through some quick writing can help a person as much as it has helped me. My blog has been my antidepressant. My blog has saved me from having to pay copious amounts of money to express my feelings to a stranger, knowing what their responses were going to be.
This morning, after reading a great post by an awesome blogger, Kristen, I started wondering how censored I have kept myself since starting to post my thoughts. I'd like to think I bare all,but I know I've held back a little because I'm afraid of what some of the readers here might say or think about me. I don't think my family even knows I post, nor does my office. The majority of the readers here are my real life friends. They know me, although I try to keep myself anonymous. Does knowing that I'm not as anonymous as I think I am hinder my literary freedom? If I start writing posts that come from my gut, will my real life friends look at me differently? Will it matter to them? Should it matter to me? I think these are rhetorical questions, because I know I am the kind of person who will write what I'm thinking and go back to edit myself later..

Letter to Self

Dear Me,

I am writing this to inform you of a few things that have been concerning me. I need you to settle down a little, take a deep breath, and relax. You have been getting extremely worked up the past couple of weeks, and I need to set some things straight.
First, stop being so damn sensitive. The world does not hate you, nor is it out to get you. You are a good person, and people realize that, even though they might not show it all of the time. You have made it a habbit to feel hurt and let down by people not paying attention to you, and, frankly my dear, you need to drop it and pick up a new and healthier habbit.
Keep up the good work on the exercise front. I know you feel like a big old bloated marshmellow...but hard work and determination will pay off. You've made excellent choices by hitting the fitness center and making healthier selections at the grocery store. Before you know it, your pants will become loose and you will feel lighter and more energetic. Enjoy your curves, and own them. Some people would kill to have them..and if you got it...flaunt it!
Stop trying to talk yourself into thinking you are a bad or poor mother. Little-man is truely lucky to have you, as you are lucky to have him. He has taught you so much in the little time you have spent with each other, and will continue to teach you things you never thought were even possible. He will continue to challenge you, and you will continue to lead him. Keep your chin up, and keep up the good work. He will be a fine and respectable young man before you know it. Enjoy his toddler antics while you can, because before you know it he'll be begging for the car, or twenty dollars, or both...
Don't be afraid to keep the television off for a night. It's okay to miss a show so you can clean your house and even start some laundry. Chances of the show being replayed are extremely high. Besides, it is rare that a television show is really life altering...so what have you got to lose by missing it? Nothing.
I hope you haven't taken offense to anything I have said. If I have any other matters to bring to your attention, I will most certainly write again. Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,
Me.

Aww Shucks

So...nobody responded to my request for introductory comments. Oh well...I'll try not to lose too much sleep ;)
Last friday I had the day off of work. The president of my company notified our office stating it was employee appreciation day, and we should take the day to enjoy the nice spring weather (the president resides in a warm, nice city...little does he know, it doesn't start to get nice out in minnesota for a few more weeks!).
To try and start my weekend early, I decided to treat myself to a night of relaxation and a movie on thursday night. I was looking forward to cuddling up solo to the movie Enchanted. When I went to find the movie (which I had just purchased the day before) it was missing in action. I searched high and low...the bag must have been lost at the store...because it was gone. So, instead of staying up late watching a cute movie, I ended up mindlessly channel surfing my thursday night away.
Friday morning, I was woken up by little man.....he was holding an orange, and a STEAK KNIFE! He was repeating himself saying "orange, orange, mommy, orange." He's such a little rascal..thank GOD he didn't hurt himself!! I laugh about the situation now, but I can only blame myself. I always cut the orange peel off with a steak knife to ensure I get the entire rind and also to prevent the threat of him choking on it (I've had a few traumatic-near-death choking experiences involving tough oranges). So...props to little-man for bringing mommy the appropriate tools (the orange, and the very sharp knife) so she could cut the fruit for him and allow mommy to stay in bed a little longer...hahaha The site of the knife had me up and awake for the rest of the day...Nap time on friday was a HUGE fiasco as well. It took little-man over an hour to settle in. To add mayhem to my already chaotic day, little-man has began spitting every time I tell him no. Not the "blow raspberries with your tongue" spitting...but the actual launching of saliva. What am I to do about this? I've been told to put hot sauce in his mouth..but I can't bring myself to do that for two reasons. First; he ONLY JUST TURNED TWO. and Second; he'll probably LOVE IT just to spite me. I have opted for option three...which is putting him on a time-out in his room and closing the door so I can settle down to explain to him the severity of his actions.
Saturday afternoon we ventured to an Easter Party. Before the party, we stopped over at Grandma's house to visit for a while. I also baked a spinach artichoke dip at grandma's, that I took to the Easter Party with me. My cousin did a fantastic job of hosting the party. There were four toddlers in all, and she made an easter basket for each of them. She also took the time to hide a few dozen candy filled easter eggs around the yard, and inside her house. The kids had a blast. Little-man ate MORE than his fare share of candy...and as a bonus to me...GRANDMA TOOK HIM HOME ON AN OVERNIGHT! There were a couple of other crazy things that took place at the party. At one point, I had all four of the little kids in the basement and we were all playing play-dough together...when all of the sudden the ceiling started raining water as if a pipe had busted. I shouted for my cousin, and we soon found out our uncle had clogged the toilet, and it was overflowing...so I was showered with poop water (ya jealous?). Later in the afternoon, after most of the kids had gone home, my cousin had a little cake smashed in her face. Everyone was laughing and it was all in good fun. This year was definitely an Easter to remember.

Interweb...I'm calling you out (two times)

What-up Interweb?
I am vain, selfish, and looking for a little pick-me-up. So, I want to know who happens to catch my daily rants and raves. You can get as detailed as you want. If you're clueless about what to say...I would love your name, age and where you're from. ..."Why you continue to tune in" would really toot my horn, positive or negative...give it to me!!

...This will either go over, and I'll end up with a big shit-grin on my face...Or it won't go over, and I'll let out an "aww-shucks". Either way, I'll survive

Interweb...I'm Calling You Out!....please?

What-up Interweb?
I am vain, selfish, and looking for a little pick-me-up. So, I want to know who happens to catch my daily rants and raves. You can get as detailed as you want. If you're clueless about what to say...I would love your name, age and where you're from. ..."Why you continue to tune in" would really toot my horn, positive or negative...give it to me!!

...This will either go over, and I'll end up with a big shit-grin on my face...Or it won't go over, and I'll let out an "aww-shucks". Either way, I'll survive

Dear Liza.

The last twelve hours have not.been.fun.
First, there was an effing mouse in my apartment. Note: I live on the second floor...where the hell did this rodent from hell come from?! I was not comforted by the fact that my apartment was far from orderly either. I did not have food laying around, just the usual toddler toys, and some clothes. In my state of panic, I knocked on my downstairs neighbors' door with tears of fear in my eyes...It was as if I were an elephant, and the mouse was the scariest most hideous thing in the world.
He came upstairs with his flashlight, and helped me mouse hunt. I really don't know where the damn thing went. I am suspecting it is back in the linen closet where I initially saw the little demon run into...grrr. The shear grossness of having a mouse in my apartment forced me to stay up, with eyes wide open, waiting to see Mr. Bojangles rear his mousy face, until almost three in the morning. He never did come out, but I swear to God I heard a noise in my linen closet this morning. Damn you Mr. BoJangles!
Today, I feel like a zombie. I am a creature who absolutely NEEDS her sleep. It's only eight am and already I feel like I'm going to fall asleep standing. On my drive to drop little-man off, I actually almost hit a pedestrian (which, I might add, would have been 80% the pedestrians' fault for wearing DARK CLOTHING INCLUDING A HOOD SHIELDING HIS LINE OF SIGHT FROM MY CAR)...but I also was trying to get little-man a breakfast bar, and hadn't completely scraped off my windows from the morning frost...whoops! (thank god I avoided THAT mess!)
After dropping little-man off, I continued onto work, listening to my favorite morning show. This morning, they were reading listner questions, and one of them was "My girlfriend told me she enjoyed having sex with me more than with her ex because she said I wasn't as big as he was. Should I break up with her?" The boys on the morning show started sharing their male opinions, and I felt a strong urge to call in and have a little chat with them. I dialed, and the phone actually rang instead of giving me its usual busy signal. A man answered, I told him I wanted to speak with the guys about their listener question, and was then put on hold for only a brief second. He returned, telling me not to swear, and all of the sudden, I was actually talking with the boys. It was awesome. I chimed in saying she probably didn't have bad intentions, and it actually should have been taken as a compliment, and the boys proceeded to make some awesomely hilarious comments. Even though I am dead-ass tired today, I am going to float through my day not focusing on Mr. BoJangles, but rather on the fact that I actually spoke to the morning show boys about if size really matters.....

Save a Horse...Ride a Cowboy.

I was paid some semi-compliments today that got my mind churning.
First, I was asked by an ex-coworker if I had any new men or "hot dates" in my life. She reassured me that I was "truly a beautiful person, and I will find someone who deserves my time soon enough." ...I'm not quite sure if I'm on the same page as she was...but for now, I'm ok with that.
A mom at little-man's school told me she thought I was 35. This stung. I love to go to the bars...I will even get out and act a fool on the dance floor...so was this chica telling me she thought of me as the lady in the bar who should be at home and in bed by 10? What makes someone come across as being ten years OLDER than they actually are? Really...do I need to go on the TLC show about appearing ten years younger? I just don't get it. One of little-man's teachers always says to me how young she is...she's a year and a half younger than me. Whenever she makes a comment like that to me, I look at her and say "WE'RE THE SAME AGE!" She shrugs me off, and continues on with her random gabbing. I really just don't get it. Have I lived a bunch of past lives that is making me come across as older? Do I need to start looking for a man who is ten years older than me? I am a firm believer in age being a number after a certain point in your life...but lets be real for a moment. Guys like young girls...and if I'm coming across as a thirty five year old to darn-near strangers, than I'm gonna hafta start looking in the 50+ dating pool...and last time I checked, I was NOT interested in dating one of my dad's friends. I'm almost to the point where I feel as if I am destined to be single. I am destined to be a single mom (soon to be single MILF...lol). If that entails me passing up on men old enough to be my father, than I'm alright with that. Thank god for Cowboy's.

Muse-less

My small literary muse is taking a break today. I don't feel like writing a long, drawn out post..and since I seem to be addicted to daily posting, I feel a strong urge to do so...

Weight lost since my crusade to become a MILF: 3lbs
Times I have completed a continuous mile on a treadmill: 2
Urge to have physical contact with a guy: CODE RED!
Confidence level: Mediocre
Overall Enthusiasm: Fair to High
Stains on my pants in an area that is embarrassing: 1
Holes in a precarious spot on workout pants only discovered when bent over while stretching staring at my large booty in the mirror: 1
Number of soda's consumed today: 0
Number of cups of coffee consumed today: 2
Support from friends: Insurmountable
Emotional support from family: Non-existent to meh
Number of ties I really have to cut: 1
Time cut by utilizing google blog reader: Hours upon hours each day
Length of time spent coaxing little-man to put his diaper back on after trying to go potty at 6am this morning: 10 minutes
Urge to complete my first life goal of donating my hair to locks of love: EXTREMELY HIGH!

S.O.S.

I am under the impression I need to step outside of the box in terms of my non existent dating life...I'm not quite sure how I would go about this..but I am definitely open to any and all suggestions! So far, I have randomly messaged a guy (one stranger, one not so stranger) on facebook & myspace, continued my attempt at eharmony (which is probably the biggest waste of time and money I have ever encountered), and had a secret crush on a guy that I didn't have the balls to actually pursue...
Really..what's a girl gotta do to find a good guy these days?!

***Please help me expand my horizons internet! It would be GREATLY appreciated...and followed up with details about my trials and errors!***

Sleigh Bells Ring..

I am in a really chipper happy mood. I know I have been extremely excited for the dull, cold, uninteresting winter to be over..but there's nothing like a beautiful snowfall to brighten your day. The snow falling today looks like the "it's almost christmas" kind of snow...and thinking of the holidays ALWAYS cheer me up!
I also have a St. Patrick's Day Miracle to report...I ran an entire mile WITHOUT WALKING OR STOPPING! Granted, it was on a treadmill (which I find more easier to run on than on the streets...) but still!! IT WAS A WHOLE MILE! YAHOO! Either I ran an entire mile because my workouts are starting to pay off...or I felt extremely pressured to keep going because my treadmill was right infront of the VP of my office...either way, I still did it! It has been over seven years since I have run a straight mile without stopping...lets see if I can repeat this effort at least three more times this week..I'll actually hold my breath in anticipation! Wish me luck!!

Crap.

I believe that the month of March has been self realization month (for me). It started off the weekend I had a friend visit. I hadn't seen this person in over a decade. With her visit, she brought a video tape from when we were twelve. It was a home video taken on a sleep over on one of the last nights she was living in minnesota. Being mortified at the site of who I was at 12 does not even do justice to how that video made me feel. On the video, I literally sat there and held up peoples' school photo's up and bashed them...how cruel and horribly mean of me...seriously. Unfortunately, I have an idea or two about what was running through my head...
Everyone goes through their awkward pre-teen phase of life (at least most people do). For whatever reason, I had a tough time with my awkward phase of life, where I survived by picking on others around me (behind their backs of course) as a way of feeling better about myself. This is something I can realize and admit by looking back, and also something I wish I could change about myself. It is over and done with now, but I still wonder if choosing to be snotty as a kid will ever come back to haunt me.
Somedays, I catch myself falling into the thrawls of gossip, and other days, I think people perceive me as being gossipy. I hate making people feel bad, and I am firm believer in only saying something that I would actually say to their face (and I actually hold myself true to this).
I started this post a week ago, and really don't know where I was heading with my incoherent thoughts...My tired state of mind is going to force me to wrap this one up with a few bullets:
~I am not gossipy
~Although a lot of people suck, I genuinely care about the people in my life
~I don't like to be perceived as gossipy
~I am so glad I'm over my awkward pre-teen phase of life

The Mom-Gut Rarely Lies...

My mom gut rarely, if ever, lies to me. This morning, I had made it to work on time, after dealing with unusually horrendous traffic. I knew something was about to happen...but couldn't put my finger on it. I spoke with a friend, and exclaimed how I knew this weekend was going to be busy...and then it happened...I got the call from little-man's school...He allegedly threw up.everywhere. My initial reaction was "GRRRREAT!" I attempted to get grandpa en route to picking little-man up, but g-papa was nowhere to be found...I was stuck having to leave work (for the third time this year) to go and pick up my sick toddler. My heart went out to little-man, but I knew he wasn't as sick as they made him sound on the phone, and I was right. He has had his usual appetite all day, and even is having regular diapers. The joys of single-parenting! ARGH!
On the bright side of the bed...at least he isn't sick...that always makes a mama happy! :)
My weekend is going to be crazy though...a friend randomly came to town, so I will be heading out to meet up with him and a few people after little-man is in bed. I think I will be daring and venture to downtown saint paul for the st. patty's day parade tomorrow. I have always wanted to partake in the adult activities revolving around st. patty's day in saint paul, but this year, I will have to settle with attending the parade, sober. Tomorrow night I will attend a st. patty's party at a friends house. I'm curious to see how the festivities turn out..i'll be sure to keep ya informed. I am also having a new babysitter over tomorrow night. She works at little-man's daycare, and is the kind of person that you know has a super sweet soul. I am stoked because she's 17, so she can commute to my place (hence, eliminating the issue of bringing her home when mommy gets home late...).
Sunday is the only day this weekend where I really don't have anything planned...and I can't tell you how much I am looking forward to that. Hope everyone has a festive happy weekend!!!

Recharged.

Last night was a treat. I was able to hang out with little-man, AND spend some quality time with some good friends. It was the kind of night that is imperative to recharging the single-mom battery. I wish spending time with my friends was not as challenging as it has become. They are great people...and they allow me to be myself, and laugh out loud. I would like to think everyone has a tight knit bunch they can turn to when times get tough...thank god I have found mine. I foresee staying in touch with them until I am old and in a nursing home....if I only I could be so lucky.
Sorry about the short post....and a big shout out to all of the good peeps in my life! :)

A Sigh of Relief

I've been doing some internal soul searching this past week. Yes, some of it has to do with the crappy weather, and some of it has to do with my non existent love life. Point being, I have been questioning what kind of a person I had become, and what kind of person I want to be. I question my parenting on a regular basis, and hope to the high heavens I'm doing alright. I've been wondering what I can do better, and what I have been successful at.
I really needed to have a day like today. At times, I felt like I had accidentally gotten on a roller coaster of dreadful emotions...but today, the coaster was exciting, not terrifying.
This afternoon, little-man and I spent some quality time together outside. We walked, watched the birds together, jumped in some small puddles, and jumped over some large puddles. It.was.awesome. I am so excited the weather is on the upward swing. I am elated that I will not feel trapped inside anymore. Being able to take him out today made me feel like I'm doing alright....he's living a good life; he's safe, happy, fed and loved. What more could a little-man need? I am not a daddy, but I applaud myself at not being afraid to get down and dirty with little-man. Maybe taking time to watch the birds is girlie, but jumping in puddles...now that's something a guy would do, right? Laying on the floor and letting him wrestle and jump on top of me...that's something a guy would do...right?
This is a super lame excuse...but I'll post more pictures once I take the time to recharge my camera batteries...Hope everyone is getting out and enjoying the weather!

It's up to you New York...NEW YORK!

A good friend, and a great person, left on a jet plane to a new country. She will return in a couple of years, but she began the adventure of a lifetime. An adventure I would have LOVED to partake in myself (but I need to remind myself, the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence). I have always wondered why people stay in Minnesota. I know it's not a bad state. I love the fact that there are four seasons. I hate that the winter DRAGS out. I love our parks, and the nightlife. But again...I hate the winters!
With the temporary parting of my friend, I have come to the realization why I have stayed in Minnesota. Fear. The fear of not being able to make it (financially) in a new environment. The fear of not being able to thrive socially in a sea of people who live on familiarity. Lets face it, people like normalcy, and are (for the most part) opposed to change, albeit social or otherwise.
I was ready to face my fear...and a month after making a firm decision in my mind to place myself in the center of New York City, I found out I was pregnant. My dreams of experiencing life through the eyes of New York faded, almost as quickly as they had come.
I still wonder if I could manage moving to NYC. Even with a little-one. I think it would be such an awesome adventure. I wonder if I would have actually gone through with it. I still can't answer that one. I am very close with my family (most days) and I don't know if I would have the strength to leave my friends. Granted, NYC still experiences weather, but it seems a lot more glamorous than MN. I'd like to believe that I would have taken the plunge.

Alone

At night, I lay in a dark room...Alone
I wonder if I will find you...Alone
I wonder if this emptiness will fade..Alone
I hope for many years of laughter that are ahead of me...Alone
I yearn for companionship...Alone
I cry...Alone
I feel the urge to scream...Alone
I force myself to clean..Alone
I cook what I want...Alone
I am sick of being...Alone
I laugh out loud...Alone
I enjoy a candlelit bubble bath...Alone
I sing out of key...Alone
I dream about the day I finally meet you...Alone
I feel like a train wreck...Alone
I feel on top of the world...Alone
I feel so many things, I sometimes cannot put a label on my emotions...Alone
I pray that I will not spend another night..Alone

It's Monday morning. For some reason..I have the jitters. I really want to work. I am excited to be at work. But I cannot focus this morning. Today, I will blame my attention defecit on Daylight Savings.
It was a slight struggle to get little-man out of bed. I turned on his bedroom light, and he didn't even flinch. I sat down next to him, rubbed his back and said "good morning" in the softest, sweetest voice I could muster at 6:20am. He tossed a little, stretched, sat up and looked at me. I motioned for him to come to mama, and to give me a hug...he said (with the grumpiest look on his face) "no!" and proceeded to throw his head back on his pillow. It's so funny how he fights to stay up at night, but fights to stay in bed in the morning. I know his sour attitude is attributed to daylight savings as well..so I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.
Today feels like a "choose your own destiny" day. As I'm sitting here...I feel as if I have many choices to make about the way my day will go. Hopefully, I will choose all of the right ones and end up having a glorious day. Realistically...it will end up mediocre...but at least I have my health right? (sheesh! Talk about eeyore syndrome!)

I'll have what she's having...

Wow...Just got done watching When Harry Met Sally...and also consuming some wine. So, excuse my abruptness...and excuse my poor literary skills (if only for a moment)
I am totally a "Sally." I am high maintenance, but thinks she's low maintenance... it's sad..oh well though, right?
I really have a soft spot in my heart for that movie. It really is great...I think it's great because the two end up together. Maybe that is what I secretly hope for my life...but I'm not going to hold my breath. Only time will tell right?
Fellow Bloggers...if you know of a single guy...looking for a good hearted single girl...will ya do me a favor and send him my way...if only for a friendship...I would greatly appreciate it. Much love!

P.S. Please blame red wine for this one....I had nothing to do with it. Red wine can most definitely be evil...Thanks much!

Life.

In the wake of my love-life becoming non-existent, I have decided to sway my energy towards something more fulfilling...little-man.
As I was driving home from work the other day, I observed little-man in my rearview mirror. I had given him a bag of mini-oreo's...to tide him over until we get home and I scrounge up dinner. I noticed that, although he has just turned two, he has developed certain individualistic characteristics. It boggles my mind. For instance, he takes oreo cookies apart, and scrapes the cream filling out with his teeth, and eats the cookies last. I didn't teach him this, it was a habit he developed all on his own.
Another quirky quality about him, is the way he goes to sleep at night. He lays on his side, and literally strokes his silky-blanket...it's super cute, but also makes me wonder where he picked this up from.
His sense of humor is also rapidly developing. For instance, he can look at me, and just start giggling out of the blue. Or if I tell him it's time for him to go to sleep, he shuts his eyes super tight as if to will himself to sleep, but then giggles after. He is definitely an amazing little guy. I'm looking forward to the snow melting so we can get outside together and enjoy some of the sweet things in life...like the zoo, biking, and getting dirty in the sandbox. I can hardly wait.

Oh No You Didn't!

When you have a baby, your body changes. MOST normal women end up with a slight mom-pooch...the area between your belly button and your who-haw that is a little flubby, and doesn't quite know how to fit into jeans. I don't think I have been cursed with a HUGE pooch...but it's definitely there, and it definitely has a mind of its own.
My pooch has a mind of its own. For some reason, it cannot stand zippers. For this reason, I usually only wear button fly jeans. Today, getting dressed in the dark, I found a pair of jeans that appeared to be clean. When I discovered they were a zipper fly, I just said "eff-it! I don't have time to rummage in the dark for another pair!" and went on with my day...
Everytime I sit down...my darn pooch deems it necessary to UNZIP MY FLY! HOW EMBARRASSING!
I have tried to combat its stubborn attitude with a belt, but even that isn't working. Desperate times call for desperate measures...I will run today...for the second day in a row. TAKE THAT POOCH! THAT'S WHAT YA GET FOR UNZIPPING MY FLY WITHOUT MY PERMISSION!

Last night, I arrived home to a dark house, and a little orange note that read "your electric has been disconnected." No.Good.
I am not the most responsible person when it comes to money, but I am not taking the entire blame for the schematics of last night either...I had TRIED to put my bill on automatic bill-pay for about six months...and was told it was activated, but found out later that it wasn't...BOO TO THE ELECTRIC COMPANY. SO....Last night, I dialed the electric company on my cell to reconcile my bill and hopefully get my lights turned back on. Little-man kept saying "light, light!" but I just replied "the lights are broken honey," but I really wanted to tell him that his mama sucked at life...
The electric company uses a third party to accept payments...this is bullshit. I spoke to a lady who could barely speak english, and had me repeat myself FIVE TIMES...I was already pissed off for being in the dark at home, and now this stupid outsourced employee couldn't understand something simple like my street address, or even my account number...I was about to lose it.
Long story short...I have a reminder to pay my bill on the first of each month setup on my outlook, automatic bill pay can suck at times, and I feel like a huge loser!

One small step...

I have been struggling with getting little-man to sleep in a toddler bed at night. We tried having him sleep in a big-boy toddler bed for the first time at grandma's house last weekend. Apparently, he was not down with the idea because he was up on the hour, every hour, all night long....The day after that, we brought the big-boy toddler bed home with us, and I was clueless as to how I was going to conquer this huge mommy task. Little-man totally takes after his mama...he is super stubborn, and he hates change. For example, when I sat in his room with him the other night, he refused to go to sleep in his new bed. He would lay in it, but insisted on playing, and fought the fact that the new bed was serious business. The second I put him in his crib he would literally turn to his tummy and knock out. I have been so torn as to what I should do. This is the first time I've tried getting my little-man to take a small step towards growing up. My gut was telling me he wasn't ready, but I think I was the one who wasn't ready. He's my baby...It's so hard to fathom that he's growing up!
Tonight, I feel like I'm on top of the world. He is sleeping in his toddler bed, and I couldn't be a happier mama. He fought with all his heart, and even made me laugh every time he would sneak out of his room to spy on me. I was firm, and after he snuck out for the third time, I told him it was night night time (in the sternest voice I could muster) and shut his door tightly. He attempted to sneak out, but was unable to open the door. He only struggled for about three minutes, and then conceded defeat. I gave him a good fifteen minutes of silence before I peeked into his room (believing that I would find him sleeping next to the door) but to my utter shock and surprise, he was laying in his new big boy bed, covered up, and TOTALLY SLEEPING! Tears of happiness started to well up inside of me. I did it..He did it. I really can't begin to tell you how proud of him I am. I just hope he continues to sleep through the night in his new big boy bed.
When I went in his room a minute ago, his head was at the foot of the bed...I was apprehensive about moving him, but I couldn't resist. I moved his head towards his pillow, and he sat up. I calmly told him to put his head on the pillow, handed him his blanket, and recovered his tiny toddler body back up...he's still sleeping, and again, I am so proud of my big little-man.
Mama's going to sleep with a huge smile on her face tonight...This is one small step towards growing up, and one HUGE step for Mama. YAY ME!

Twilight Zone/Circus Experience...

After the encouragement of a TargetBoutique Pharmicist, my boss, and another lady in the office, I decided to give in and go to get my ears checked out. I have been sick for over a week, and was feeling ear pain and sinus pain unlike anything else I've ever felt. Ya know that feeling from your childhood when you jump into a pool and get water up your nose and it stings???...that stinging sensation was constant in my face yesterday...it was not fun.
When I arrived at the minute clinic, I was second in line. I chose to go to a minute clinic because it is a quick diagnosis, and since my health insurance is a high deductable plan, the minute clinic would essentially save me about fifty dollars. Instead of an actual doctor, you see a practitioner, but they can write out prescriptions...so it made no difference to me!
When the lady before me left the room, she was balling her eyes out...this struck me as odd because the minute clinic only deals with fairly minor medical issues, such as rashes, ear infections, and the occasional pregnancy test... So, I shrugged it off saying to my self "o-k-a-y".
The practitioner was very nice. We talked about my symptoms, she took my vitals, and then we discussed that it would not be a great idea for me to fly. (I was supposed to fly to indianapolis for a regional company meeting...it was only going to be a day-trip...so the up and down of two flights in one day would not have been a good environment for my ears). My prescription was sent to the pharmacy, and all was good. I walked over to the pharmacy and checked in, and then sat down to wait for my meds to be filled....and apparently, the circus had come to town...
I can understand how frustrated people get when it comes to affording medication, but there was a lady at the counter who took things to another level. She was loud, rude and swearing up and down.... This lady was so beligerent, it was difficult for me not to laugh at her antics, but also difficult for me to sit quiet and not tell her how rude she was acting and that she needed to settle down or she would end up in the hospital with a heart attack (I am cursed with a conscious that forces me to stand up to bullies...).
After a while, the belligerent lady left. I was still waiting for my name to be called, and couldn't get out of there fast enough. Out of the blue, a lady (also waiting) started making small talk with me. I was asking myself what I had done to deserve these weird occurrances taking place one after another. If you know me, you know I love to talk...but who wants to talk at all, let alone to a stranger, especially when you feel like dog poo. I wish I was still a bitch on wheels at this point, because all I really wanted to do was tell this lady to leave me the eff alone...but I didn't, and I answered her nosy questions like "what are you waiting for?" and "Do you have any children?" and "What is his name?" (seriously lady, were all of these questions REALLY NECCESSARY??)
My name was finally called, and I was finally able to head home...but sheesh, what an experience that place was. I really wish I had the entire experience captured on video, because I know I am missing some silly details. It must be pretty entertaining for the employees of the fine establishment I was at, because they sure do get a multitude of different people...

A Bitch On Wheels

WARNING: Language suitable for a sailor....dead ahead!

I.AM.CRABBY....not just crabby, but also a huge bitch on wheels. I can attribute my ginormous attitude to PMS. I can also attribute it to a few stressful situations in my life, including getting over a virus, getting little sleep during my bout with the nasty virus, the constant abuse from a toddler, a lot of extra responsibility at work, and being told (in slightly different words) that I wasn't taking responsibility for the well being of little-man. Fuck you.
I know there are a combination of different stressors in my life, and I shouldn't take everything out on one person...but when someone, anyone, has the audacity to tell me I'm not putting little-man first all I can say is Fuck You. My tone does not entail a raised voice. My tone is dry, and straight to the point.
For this person's information, I HAVE BEEN PUTTING THIS LITTLE GUY FIRST SINCE THE DAY I FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT! Wow...can ya sense the hostility? (GUILTY!)
I know everyone has everyday stress they deal with. I can empathize...but I refuse to tolerate someone acting like a victim. And, as life has shown tonight, if you act like a victim to this mama, especially when this mama is a bitch on wheels, I'll set ya straight...fo rizzy yo.
I really get heated when someone not only offends my parenting styles, but also finds it acceptable to go out drinking on a work night until 10pm. This same person refuses to be at my house until 8:30 (because that is when I am scheduled to arrive home from a same-day work trip), because being out until 8:30 and NOT being at a bar getting wasted is just something they cannot handle...it will totally deprive them of sleep and make them have a bad day at work....BULLSHIT!
At times like this I really really really wish that little-man had two different families to love him and help support me raise him. Particularly, grandparents who find every second spent with their grandchildren a joy, not a chore... When I find my companion, his family will not chose booze over their own family....one can only hope..
Again, I wish I was gifted with words so I could paint the full picture. My writing reminds me of the most abstract artwork you could imagine....like something painted by an elephant, although, some people would actually PAY for an elephant painting...and I would probably have to pay someone to read my rants....fucking life right?!

ANTM

At approximately 4pm, M-F, I walk the mail downstairs and nextdoor to the mailbox. Just about everyday, I have silly crazy thoughts running through my head, and four times out of five, one of those thoughts includes pretending I'm strutting the catwalk on America's Next Top Model (ANTM). I don't know why I do this...I have never been interested in modeling, nor do I have a body that can be compared to a plus sized model, let along a toothpick figure that can magically hold themselves up on two legs.
Today, was unlike any other day. I even hummed the theme song to ANTM while I was walking across the atrium...I'm so wierd!! It's a small guilty pleasure, and everytime I start strutting, I smile to myself.
What are your guilty pleasures...big or small?

Heart vs Head

Expecting the unexpected is a formula I should try and live by with more patience. I was dealt a card this past weekend that I had not anticipated, but feared what the outcome would be...and my fears came true.
He messaged around midnight...I knew he had been drinking. He usually only contacts me after a few drinks. I have yet to figure out why. In my heart, I feel like we talk because we have a deep connection. In my head, I believe we talk because he has nothing better to do.
Over the past three(+) years, we have hung out about four times. We have known each other longer than that, but for reasons (some known, most unknown) to me, our nights spent with one another have been few and too far between.
His hands are strong, his touch is gentle, and his heart is open. I feel safe in his arms. He always says he'll call the next day or the next week to make plans, to break our "few-and-far-between" cycle....he never follows through. Each time he leaves, it hurts a little more. We can sit wrapped in each others arms for hours, and it is time well spent...time that I wish I could freeze for an eternity. He tells me things that I don't believe. He tells me he thinks I am beautiful. These are words I never hear. I don't know how many more chances I can give him or this. I don't know how long my heart can stay open to him.
In my heart, things feel so easy between the two of us. Each time we meet, it feels like the last time we saw each other was last week, not last year.
Although it feels so natural, I cannot understand why it is so difficult and challenging in real life. Things that feel this right should not play out so hard. The whole situation feels as if I am drowning in an inch of water...it just shouldn't be playing out like this...
I am sure this entire post sounds confusing, random, and non-sensible...I just can't seem to coherently gather my thoughts around this...I will go to bed tonight, dreaming that he calls...it would be nice.

P.S. The inventor of the bubble bath gets a great big high-five from me! They're the perfect end to a long weekend...