BICH (this post doesn't deserve the T)

All I want to do is cry, write about crying, then cry some more. I feel like an ass-clown for feeling this way, especially because I know things could be worse, but feelings are feelings.

This morning, I was greeted with the fourth day of diarrhea diapers from little man. He apparently has the "poop water but is not feverish" bug that just won't seem to go away. It is also making his diaper changes quite unpleasant for both parties.

When I arrived at work this morning I went straight across the office to a company sponsored health fair where I received a health assessment. The only reason I signed up was to receive the company incentive of $100.00 (a single mom would NEVER pass up a virtually free hundo). The assessment entailed recording my weight, height and drawing some blood to test for cholesterol and miscellaneous things. When I stepped on the scale my stomach churned. I should NOT have looked at the number. I haven't worked out in a little over a month. I don't know who stole my motivation, but it is gone and I am left puzzled, and weighing just about as much as I did when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT! I've tried "getting healthy." I've tried formulating a health plan..but all seem damn impossible for this chunky mama to adhere to. I am honestly at a loss right now. I feel like I received a certificate of defeat. I don't know how, if ever, I will be in shape again, and happy with my physical appearance. I just don't know.

Coming back to work from taking a day off is always a little stressful. This morning, via email, I was greeted with a message from my super nice boss that also had me a little down. I don't know if I had "pms-brain" on Tuesday, but APPARENTLY I had forgotten to switch our main telephone lines over to our night voicemail system. This frustrates and worries me for a couple of reasons. First, I JUST KNOW I put the phones on our night line before I left. I am such a darn perfectionist, and our switchboard is so freaking old, and I really do believe in my heart that they were switched over, and that there is a short circuit. There have also been a few mornings where I have been greeted by telephones that were not switched over. Although my gut initially has been twisted at the sight of the phones not being switched over, I really do know that I had put them on our night service. I attempted to talk with my boss about it this morning, but she was pretty wrapped up in our health fair, so I will have to readdress this with her at a later date and time. I kind of have the impression that she doesn't believe me...and I just don't know how I can convince her that I am competent enough to do my simple job, and it's the phones that are short circuiting, not me.

**********

On a more positive note, little man has officially proved to me that he knows how to count. We were about to leave the house to go to the park, and I heard him say "One, Two" so I followed up with an elated "THREE" and then he showed me up with a "FOUR FIVE SIX"!!! It completely caught me off guard, seeing as he usually had been repeating "one, two, one."

I am

I am one of those people who knows there are answers, but doesn't like to find them.
I am one of those people you would label as lazy
I am one of those people who hates to fail, so sometimes, I just don't try
I am one of those people who are extremely stubborn
I am one of those people who are perceived as being bitchy, but I don't agree
I am one of those people who truly and genuinely cares about others
I am one of those people who can be a walking, talking, breathing contradiction
I am one of those people who laughs at extremely inappropriate times
I am one of those people who cry when they are happy
I am one of those people who has baggage
I am one of those people who gives almost everybody the benefit of the doubt
I am one of those people who just looooooves to talk
I am one of those people who likes to listen
I am one of those people who speaks their mind
I am one of those people who are shy when they should be outgoing
I am one of those people who are outgoing when they should be reserved
I am one of those people who needs people
I am one of those people who wants love
I am one of those people who likes to know everything
I am one of those people who are perceived as being nosy
I.am.one.of.those.people...

Pondering Ponders

Thoughts and Ideas I am pondering while times seems to have stood still...

1. Are grey days that sit in the 50's better than sunny days that are below zero?
2. Do you think I can have the term MTS (muffin top syndrome) recognized by the American Medical Association?
3. Am I going to be able to find a second job where I can work from home between the hours of 8:30 and 10pm M-F?...is this a plausible idea?
4. When will little man start speaking actual sentences?
5. Am I really EVER going to be in shape?
6. Am I really EVER going to meet someone nice through e.whatthehellwasithinking.harmony?
7. Will I be able to find the time to date if I end up meeting a good guy?
8. Who wants to put a wager on me getting severely injured while pitching for the greatest team in the nation?
9. Am I really going to be able to spend time with Navy?...if and when he comes home on a supposed thirty day leave.
10. How in the hell am I going to manage on eighty dollars for two weeks...minus thirty of that for diapers...so in reality, fifty dollars for two weeks (CRAP!)
11. How plausible is it to start your own foundation...only benefiting yourself?

The Peaceful Unknown

An epiphany struck me sideways while I was buried eyeball deep in paperwork. To give you a bit of background information about me, I am obsessed with knowing everything. I have been blatantly told by former coworkers that they think I'm nosey..and I always strongly felt that they just didn't understand me, who I was, or what I was about. I had always thought that by knowing "everything" I would, in turn, be able to help people. I am a total people pleaser, and if you don't have the answers then how are you supposed to help people?!
My epiphany entailed an aura of peace surrounding what I do not know. A good friend of mine recently told me that once you know something, you can't really "un-know" it. I couldn't agree with her more. There are some things in life that are best left not knowing. Private things, embarrassing things, lies, truths, and a slue of others. I take comfort in knowing what I need to, and not knowing everything else :)

There's no place like home...

For two days at work I have been questioning the integrity of a few of my coworkers. I have been stewing about it, wondering how I should or should not address fairly minor issues. I have decided to let them rest...I am really not a fan of drizama!!
When I was humming ANTM in my head, pretending I was a runway model during my daily trip to take the mail down, I had a sudden realization...The company I work for, and the office that I work in is my niche. There is a certain comfort about it. The ambiance, the dynamic personalities in the office, the petty silly things we discuss, the professionalism...It's all small and wonderful aspects of my office. I fit in here, and it is wonderful.
When the V.P. of leasing was leaving this afternoon, I said my daily "Goodbye, have a great night!" and he said the same and walked out of the door. A second later, the door opened back up and he said "By the way, you've been a great addition to our company." What a compliment! I think it just confirms my thoughts and feelings towards my job. I love it here. I am valued here. I feel as if it is an extension of my family. It feels.like.home (sans bi-polar toddler! hehe).

Own The Mole

First off, let me start out by saying that mole is a completely ugly word...in all aspects of life..mole is just.plain.ugly.
When I was a little girl, I had a million freckles. I was the typical fair skinned girl, with a million "angel kisses" as my mom would kindly tell me. One day, as I was getting ready for bed, and my mom was trying to scrub the dirt off of my face, she noticed I had a freckle that was quite large on my chin. Thank god she realized this too, because MAN was she scrubbing the shizzle out of my chin!! The freckle slowly grew, and after time, became a small mole that stuck out of my chin.
I have always been self conscious of my mole. I even contemplated getting it removed, but was way too freaked out that its removal would leave an even more disgusting scar (because that would TOTALLY be my luck!)....so I pushed my self consciousness to the back burner, and got over it (for the most part).
At one point in my life, I even attempted to "own the mole." I had talked myself into believing that "if cindy crawford had a mole, and didn't get it removed...than I can keep my mole, and look damn hot with it too!!" (YEAH RIGHT HUH?! haha)
I am a complete and total hypocrite. My entire life, I was always a bit repulsed by moles, especially people who had hairy moles. As I have aged, I have noticed that juanita (I just hate the word mole so much, that yes, I have decided to name her juanita) has started popping out little hairs. I try to keep on top of juanita's follicles, but they grow random and fast! I think I will have to keep a tweezers with me at ALL times...especially for those hairs that appear out of NOWHERE! Maybe I'll even contemplate laser removal...yes, that's a great idea right?!

Condensed version of long winded story: Don't let a little bump get ya down...and ALWAYS carry a pair of tweezers! :)

And for those of you who know me in person...if I catch you staring at juanita the next time I see you...I'll have her kick your ace ;) Lots O' Love!

Funky Funk

I am in a funk. There are many reasons (excuses) for my funk..but I don't know how I will snap out of this one.
~My house is still a mess and I have no idea how I am going to get it in order.
~I am still overweight and miserable, and losing exercise motivation.
~I have had two "friendships" dissipate in the year 2008...maybe it's for the better, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
~Little man continues to spit when I tell him "no." I made a small step this morning by telling him he needs to say "I'm Mad." instead of spitting...he proceeded to say "I mad." and then give me a hug..but five minutes later, started spitting again.
~My dating outlook is lookin extremely negative. I haven't been able to put myself out there, even after signing up for a stupid online dating membership. It's so frustrating I just want to scream.
~Some of my friends are going through some pretty dark times, and I feel extremely guilty for being in this funk, because I know life could get worse. I admire them for their strength...they are way better people than I am.
~To expand on the previous blurb..I am a fricken baby and need to learn how to swallow things instead of festering. grr to me!
~I don't want to be so hard on myself, but I know my issues need to be addressed, and being hard on myself is the only way I know how.

Letter to Self

Dear Me,

I am writing this to inform you of a few things that have been concerning me. I need you to settle down a little, take a deep breath, and relax. You have been getting extremely worked up the past couple of weeks, and I need to set some things straight.
First, stop being so damn sensitive. The world does not hate you, nor is it out to get you. You are a good person, and people realize that, even though they might not show it all of the time. You have made it a habbit to feel hurt and let down by people not paying attention to you, and, frankly my dear, you need to drop it and pick up a new and healthier habbit.
Keep up the good work on the exercise front. I know you feel like a big old bloated marshmellow...but hard work and determination will pay off. You've made excellent choices by hitting the fitness center and making healthier selections at the grocery store. Before you know it, your pants will become loose and you will feel lighter and more energetic. Enjoy your curves, and own them. Some people would kill to have them..and if you got it...flaunt it!
Stop trying to talk yourself into thinking you are a bad or poor mother. Little-man is truely lucky to have you, as you are lucky to have him. He has taught you so much in the little time you have spent with each other, and will continue to teach you things you never thought were even possible. He will continue to challenge you, and you will continue to lead him. Keep your chin up, and keep up the good work. He will be a fine and respectable young man before you know it. Enjoy his toddler antics while you can, because before you know it he'll be begging for the car, or twenty dollars, or both...
Don't be afraid to keep the television off for a night. It's okay to miss a show so you can clean your house and even start some laundry. Chances of the show being replayed are extremely high. Besides, it is rare that a television show is really life altering...so what have you got to lose by missing it? Nothing.
I hope you haven't taken offense to anything I have said. If I have any other matters to bring to your attention, I will most certainly write again. Thanks for listening.

Sincerely,
Me.

N-SAD

Tomorrow is one of my least favorite days of the year. I was told yesterday that the 14th of February is known as National Singles Awareness Day...and I totally agree. Even when you are in a relationship, at least from my past experiences, the day seems to always bring the stress of high expectations and let downs.
On that note, I was reading in the paper ways for people to propose in some unique ways (well, they WERE unique until the paper decided to publish them for thousands to read about). These suggestions made me both happy and sad. I was happy because I could just imagine how loved and cared for I would feel that someone would take the time to organize an elaborate way to profess his love for me. I was sad because I don't have any prospects in the love department. I know it will happen when it happens, and there are so many people in the world, that the chances of me actually finding the right guy SHOULD be in my favor. I am at a crossroads.
Why haven't I been able to find a guy that can accept me for my quirkiness tendencies, and also find someone who will truely appreciate how awesome little-man is? I know I can be crazy, but I have a great heart. I am understanding. I am compassionate. I can communicate with a moderate amount of efficiency. What the bunk?
So three cheers to National Singles Awareness Day (N-SAD).

W.E.D.N.E.S.D.A.Y.

Here's to my un-originality...hahaha

Wacky
Enthusiastic
Dating
Nickelback's lead singer and Santana's new song collaboration is my FAVORITE
Entertaining
Smashing
Delectable
Awesome
Yippy!