I do exist!

Yes people...I do exist....

Honestly, just haven't felt compelled to write much about anything on here. There's no specific reason, really...I've had MANY things happen in my life recently. Perhaps it's a bit of a coming of age for me...I haven't relied on this corner of the net to vent my feelings, or to gain perspective on my life; instead, internalizing, reaching out to a select few whom are close to me, and gaining perspective through that route....a more personable, less public route.

Leh sigh.

I'm still a single, fully time working, single mother in her late twenties who struggles to find the right balance of friends, family, work, school and love (although, the love thing has been non existent for a loooooooooooooong time, I digress).

On the topic of love: How does a late 20-something get across her message that she's ready to have fun?? This so-called late 20-something is stuck at home, doesn't have the opportunity to go out and network in public, (nor does she really have time with her nutty work/family/school life to spend nights out), but in the same breath, this late 20-something has a void she's looking to fill. The void yearns for fun, laughing, and a splash of romance from time to time.

A little help please....?

Life is Good.

I received the nicest compliment today. A coworker of mine stopped at my desk this morning, and said:

“Ya know, I am so impressed with how much energy and enthusiasm you have with everything you are doing. You are a single mom, you work full time, you are in college, AND you’re coaching your son’s t-ball team…and you always seem to have a smile on your face.”

I was (and am) extremely flattered. My only response to him (besides saying Thank You) was “Well, I guess I’m extremely lucky that I’m doing things with my life that I love.”

And that’s the honest to god truth.

· I am fortunate to go to a job that I love…while I might not always like my assigned tasks, I absolutely love the company I work for, and the people I work with. Almost every day the stress of the traffic on Highway 100 fizzles knowing that I get to spend my day with people who are kind, and whom I have a LOT of respect for.

· I am lucky to be able to keep working towards my life goal of earning my bachelors degree. I have support from both of my parents (in that they are helping me with little man while I have classes), and it’s absolutely priceless.

· I have been blessed with a little boy who has changed my life in so many wonderful ways. He has kept me grounded, and reminded me that jumping in puddles and getting a little dirty. I’ve been graced with generous support from my friends and family, who have embraced my son with open arms, and are just as fond of him as he is of them…another gift that is truly priceless.

Sure, there are things in my life that would make it even sweeter, but I don’t have the time to focus on that. Heck, if anything, I need to reevaluate the lack of communication I’ve had with my friends from being all too consumed with school, work and being a single parent, I digress. All of my energy is being spent cherishing the things in my life that are current and tangible; friends, family, and work. I’m far from perfect, but I’m happy with me…and it feels good.

A bit in shock

Less than a month was all it took to defeat him.

Boom.

The big C struck.

Boom.

Doing my best to emotionally get through today. The next week will be one of the biggest challenges I've faced in 2010...watching people I love deal with heavy hearts, and doing my best to be a shoulder for them to lean on, all the while dealing with my own internal dialogue.

Send me some good vibes if you have any extra to spare.

The Big C

Cancer. The big C. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it.

While I was vacationing in the great outdoors last week, I learned a family member was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. As I sit here, typing out my thoughts, tears are welling up in my eyes. Honestly, I hadn't cried once until this moment. It's all too surreal, death and mortality.

I think that I'd been denying my grieving process, instead revelling in shock and denial the past week.

In the face of the big C, my uncle has been amazing...although I haven't had the opportunity to speak directly with him, I've kept up on his status via a caring bridge website. He (and this is a direct quote) "doesn't want sympathy because it is between shit and syphilis in the dictionary." What a great way to look at life, especially considering.

All I want to do is hug little man, and curl up under my covers. I wish I could find a lighter side in this ugliness...I'm sure I will eventually, it's just right now I'm clouded by my own emotions. I've lost too many loved ones in my life. I try to live each day as if it were my last, but that's damn near impossible some (most) days, because as much as y'all think I'm perfect, I'm far from it.

I know, in my heart of hearts, I'll eventually find solace in this situation....It will take time, and patience (which, newsflash, I have very little of)...but I will survive. My family will survive. Life will go on.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift...that is
why it is called the present.

The Great Outdoors

2010 has been a treat thus far.

Last week, I was fortunate enough to spend time up north, at my Uncle's cabin. It's located 3.5 hours northwest of the cities...nestled on a small/medium lake.

As a child, I spent a lot of time at this cabin. Exploring the woods, fishing off of the dock, taking the row boat out to the island and pretending it was my own little oasis. They were great times, and I was extremely ecstatic to grant little man some of the same memories.

The week started out with a bang. We rented a pontoon for a few days, and anchored on the sandbar. The sun was out, the eagles and loons were letting their presence be known. Could you ask for anything more peaceful?

The only day it rained was a day I had planned on running errands, since I had only intended on staying up north for a few days instead of an entire week.

Oh, and let it be known, we also went to the local turtle races (don't be jealous).

It was a nostalgic week for me. Relaxing and just what the doctor ordered.

++++++++++++++++++++++

After spending some time up north, I've brainstormed a little bucket list for the remainder of 2010:

• Go canoeing on the St. Croix - it's something I've always wanted to do...any takers?
• Take a day trip to Duluth and go down the Timber Twister - I saw a news story about it, and it looks like an absolute blast...again, any takers?
• Explore one more state park before the winter frost sets in
• Schedule a couple of hours at the spa - because I'm worth it.

Do you have a bucket list going for yourself? Do you have any suggestions for mine?

The Simple Things in Life

Weekends spent with myself (and myself only) are as rare as a 90 degree day in January…in Minnesota.

This weekend spontaneously turned into one of those rare treats. It was a bit ironic that the week that both little man and I were sick was concluded by a weekend spent healthy and solo. Time spent away from each other is chicken soup for both of our souls.

What does a single late-twenty-something do with “free time”?

Hell if I know!

I started by meeting some friends for a pontoon ride on a local lake. Pure bliss. The sun beating down on the water, good company, and cold beverages were medicine for my soul. Sure, I had EVERY INTENTION of being productive at home….but to be able to get up and go, without making sure others have used the bathroom, have Blanket, or are in need of a nap, I digress.

I couldn’t resist traipsing around town, checking out a clothing store that is hell to bring a toddler to. Finding some AMAZING deals. Spontaneously spending my free Saturday night with a great friend from High School whom I don’t get to see often enough. Laughing. Having a few (more) adult beverages. Dancing to live music. Sleeping, uninterrupted.

My weekend was filled with a million simple things most single child-free people take for granted. It was blissful. It was calm. It was perfect….However, my heart prevailed and I was damn happy when life returned to me and little man. We might not live life to the beat of a single person’s drum, but I honestly do love the beat we live by.

A new endeavor...

I wasn't kidding you when I said 2010 has left me with a hair up my bum. In fact, on January 2nd I birthed an idea....

Here's what I've been working on

Yup, I'm trying out a different platform.

Please, if you have a moment...stop by and check the site out. It's different. It's new. It's fairly raw. It's me.

I'm still posting on here, as the other site has a theme that I'm challenging myself to stick to.

Hope everyone is having a great day!

People are Crazy.

How does one feel before they conquer the world? Well, I'll tell ya.

Nervous.
Excited.
Slightly overwhelmed at the minute possibility of failure.

Most of all, I feel like it's about damn time. (please excuse my extremly cryptic messages...I guess I'm also becoming slightly self sensoring in my old age)

With each life experience that passes me by, I've slowly opened my eyes to the acceptance of change. I've been able to comfort myself knowing that I'd welcome change rather than living an unfulfilled life, be it personally or professionally.

An awesome friend and blogger recently referred to the phrase "God is great, beer is good and people are crazy." I'm totally digging that phrase right now, except the spoon fed catholic inside of me would rather say "Life is good, beer is great, and people are crazy!"

Dear Perkins,

I visited store #3678 with a neighbor for dinner last night. We were immediately seated, and the restaurant was more than half empty. While waiting to be greeted and have our beverage order placed, I noticed only two servers tending to tables. Again, the restaurant was not particularly busy, but the two servers did seem a bit overwhelmed. Immediately, I also noticed that while there were two servers running around with the majority of the tables, two additional servers and the manager on duty were sitting at a table on the side of the restaurant rolling silverware and hanging out.
We sat at our table (with two three-year-olds, mind you) for twenty minutes before we were greeted by an employee. I could tell by the look on Rae's face (our server) that she was extremely overwhelmed. She took our order and was on her way.
An hour later we received our food.
I feel the food time was completely unacceptable, but do not hold our server responsible.
The person who upset me the most in this situation was the manager on duty. Throughout our entire wait, the manager continued to sit at a table with two other staff members while our server was running around overwhelmed and ultimately neglecting tables due to the lack of support from management. One of the servers sitting with the manager on duty placed a food order, received her food order and ate her food.
While our server was cashing out another table, the manager on duty brought a box to our table. At no time did the manager ask how our food was. In fact, I had to casually stop the manager and ask her if there was a reason why our food took an hour to make (which consisted of a salad, chicken tender melt, dollar pancakes and a kids grilled cheese).
She responded by having the audacity to tell me the restaurant was extremely busy and the kitchen only had two cooks. Her tone was off putting and very unprofessional. I could not believe my ears. I've been in the restaurant industry for years and I would love for you to run the numbers on what this store brought in last night. I am extremely confident that if you did so, you would find she was overstaffed and had low sales. Not once while we were in this restaurant were all of the tables full, nor was there a wait list for people to be seated.
I would also like to note that while we were waiting the hour for our food, three tables in the restaurant who had been seated after us, and had similar food orders as my table, received and paid for their food before my table had received our food.
After assertively approaching the manager on duty, I noticed she pulled Rae aside. Rae returned to our table and offered us desert, but at that point, I did not feel like staying in the restaurant due to my disdain for how the situation had been handled by the manager on duty. I feel very strongly that the manager should have reproached us and am very disappointed she did not do so.
While taking my son to the bathroom, Rae brought us a few pieces of pie in a to-go box, which was very kind on her behalf. Unfortunately a few of pieces of pie do not excuse the principal of the matter (the lack of professionalism, organization and support and poor communication skills from her lack luster manager). I can only hope this letter will prompt the General Manager to take a closer look at how poor the management at this location is. I can be quite certain I will not return to this location until I have been made fully aware that this will never happen again.
I have a copy of the check should you need to review it.
If asked what the best part of my experience at this establishment was, I can only come up with two things. The first being the great smelling bathrooms, and the second was leaving. Should you have any further questions, concerns or comments, please feel free to contact me.

Lovin My Life

I had a fantastically negative post lined up regarding my disdain for certain family dysfunctions...I slept on it, and decided (as I was about to drift off into la la land) that nobody really wants to read dramatic whining crap.

Here's a couple of reasons why I LOVE being a mom.

Unconditional love.

There's really nothing quite like it. The first time I was slapped in the face with unconditional love was when I met my niece the day she was born. She was pure and complete perfection. My brother and niece's mom were very young parents. I remember walking into the hospital room, saying "Where's my little princess?" They told me she was hungry, and I said "hand her over"....she took her mini bottle from me like the champ I knew she was. It was adorable, sweet, and a moment I will never forget.
When I became preggo with my own little one, I'll be the first to tell you how terrified I was. I knew from the get-go I would be his only parent. I had no clue how I was going to physically bring this sweet angel of mine into the world. Well, truth be told I managed to overcome my fear. As excruciatingly exhausted as I was the night morning that I delivered him, I was also overflowing with a euphoria I could never have imagined. He was here, he was mine, and he was a 9lb, 2oz baby bundle of amazingness.
It's weird to think back to the first time we faced each other, because he was EXACTLY like I thought he would be. Even to this day, I look at him and I see my baby. I see what he'll look like at 15. I see his future. Every time I stare into his eyes, he bares his soul, and biased as I might be, it's a good soul. When he's happy, I can feel it. When he's sad, it pains my heart. He's an extension of me as much as he is his own person. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love him.

Laughter

As a mom, there are many moments that are difficult to keep your cool. For every difficult moment, there are ten times as many moments where you find yourself laughing at the ridiculous situations life throws at you. Whether it's an accidental slip, an unexpected burp, or a silly facial expression, sharing those moments with my child have given my belly such a workout from laughing.
The silly moments are what makes the difficult moments worthwhile. Recently, little man's humor has began to develop. He tells (straight out) that he's going to do something naughty. He catches me completely off guard, and then he quickly follows up with a goofy "I'm just kiddin mom!" with hilarious hand gestures and all. It's a moment where I can see how much he enjoys laughing. It's a moment where I am so blessed that he wants to share his silliness with me. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

Life is Good.

"None of my past relationships have worked out...but it only takes one to work! The rest is just a combination of practice and learning experiences!"

~K. Dohman

That's honestly how I am trying to live my life. With each day of my single-hood that passes, I start fearing that the light at the end of my single tunnel will fade to black forever...I'd be lying if I said this wasn't true. I am making an honest attempt to focus on the positives in my life, and not worry about my light fading. Life is too short to sit and reel over a future that you can't predict. So this is what I'm going to do:

Focus on now, not tomorrow.
Enjoy my single freedom of being able to do, say, wear, go and spend whatever I want, whenever I want.
Be thankful that I have a job which (not only) entertains me, but provides me with steady bi-weekly income so I can pay my bills, and afford a warm, safe place to sleep at night.

It will happen for me and my little guy (hopefully before the Vikings win a Superbowl). I'll keep my fingers crossed...and when it happens, I'll be sure to let you know.

Crap.

I was in bed early tonight. the clock read 10"10...it was a record for the week! Instead of staying up wasting more of my time with television, at 9:30 I went to my room and read a book. It was lovely. Lights out was 10:10 and I was basically giddy with excitement at the fact that I was snuggled in bed BEFORE 11pm.

"Click, click". It sounded almost like someone was trying to break into my apartment. The next thing I know, I heard a "MOMMY!" from little man. My instincts kicked in. I raced to his room to find him and his sheets covered in vomit.

Crap.

I removed him from the situation, cleaned him up and did what I figured was best...I let him lay in mommy's room. I gave a pillow I referred to as a "magic pillow" and set a bucket next to him, figuring he would sleep the rest of the night. Did I think wrong.


It's 12:16am, and I just finished putting his sheets, AND my sheets into the washing machine. You guessed it, he got sick in my bed...which also caused me to get sick because I just don't handle this stuff very well.

Fortunately for me, I have been able to make arrangements for him. Hopefully I'll be able to survive work tomorrow.

Questions and Life

This morning, I firmly believe pandora's box has been opened. While walking little man into school, I reminded him that he needed to hold mommy's hand while in the street. He graciously listened, but then let out a "Why mom?"

I almost peed my pants.

This was his first "Why" question...and I have a STRONG feeling it's not going to be his last.

I don't think I was much of a "why-child", but I know for certain that my brother was. I'll be the FIRST to tell you, it drove me nuts 22 years ago, and I'm convinced it's going to drive me nuts now!

Wow..saying something was bad "22 years ago" really makes me feel old.

When I was in my pre-teens, I remember hearing (on some television talk show) that statistically, if a woman truly believes she will be married by a specific age, her chances of being married when she was that specific age increases. Maybe this falls into line with self fulfilling prophecy...but I'll be the first to tell you that my prophecy was not self fulfilled.

I had always imagined I would be engaged at 24, and married by 26...with my first baby at 28. As a 13 year old, I had my life planned out perfectly. Little did I know I'd be a single parent of a 1yo at 24, still not engaged at 25...and who the hell knows WHERE I'll be at 26.

Although my life hasn't turned out the way I originally planned, I'm quite alright with that. I am a firm believer that good things come to those willing to wait... I've put in my time, and continue to pay my dues. I'm happy, and I think that's all that matters!

Notes from the Heart

Dear Justin,

You've definitely proved to me why you are the hottest, funniest most amazing man.

Love you long time,
Miz

Do You Hear Me?

I love my son, but I loathe toddlers! Let me explain.

Toddlers just.don't.listen. And what's even more nerve wracking about this, is they hear what you're saying, AND understand you..but they don't care. And they're so darn cute that your frustration levels never push you into a rage, because they look at you with their big eyes and their munchkin giggle. It's almost enough to drive a grown adult insane. Really.

Lately, when I make requests of little man, like "Come on, let's get your jambo's on" I am countered with him IGNORING ME. It's only when I tell him I'll pick him up, or not let him put his jambos on that he perks up and acknowledges my existence.

When I call him on his ignorant defiance, he immediately counters with "I listen mama...I LISTEN!" and proceeds to pout and produce an amazing look on his face that never fails to make me feel guilty. Sometimes, I think he's in cohorts with the devil himself....Only because he's so darn manipulative, and he's ONLY 2 and a HALF!!!

Lovely.

It's official. Fall is here and is going to leave just as quick as it came. The colors in MN have peaked 100%. It's only a matter of minutes before all of the leaves are blown to the ground, covered in frost, then disappear under snow. That's right, I said the "s" word!

The vibrant colors of this time of year amaze me. The flaming oranges, reds and yellows are just about everywhere you turn. I think it's mother natures way of giving us color overload to prepare us for winter, (which is riddled with white, brown, and a yellow you avoid instead of gaze at...).

Once Halloween is over, the holidays are literally around the corner. One thing I am thankful for is having a white Christmas every year. There's something magical about the snow covered decorations that glow in the night. It makes me smile just thinking about it.

However, once Christmas is over...I'm ready for it to be warm out again. That's the only bummer of living in MN: Cold weather that stays about three months too long.

Spiders, Monkeys and Witches

The spider saga continues. I am literally killing a spider a day. Not a little guy either...a dime sized nasty spider. Gross. Any suggestions? I am a second away from buying "hedgeballs" at the grocery store..but with my luck, little man would try eating them like an apple and get sick.

Little man is continuing to crack me up. He's telling EVERYONE that he's going to be a monkey. Did I mention he's also telling everyone that "Mama needs to be a witch."? I haven't quite figured out if he's trying to tell me something....hmmm.

I'm struggling to think of a story from the past that is equally funny as it is entertaining...but I got nothin. Don't you worry your reading heart...I'm sure something will pop into my head before the day is up :)

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Fall

For all of you google feed readers out there...I just deleted a post I had written yesterday (and was published about 28 minutes ago). For inquiring minds, I had written it about a dramatic petty silly situation at work that had my undies in a bunch.
As I suspected, after a great night of sleep, my undies became unbunched, and I just didn't feel right about airing work drama via the internet. Sorry! :)

A Couple Things...

I am NOT a fan of waking up when it's dark outside. I mean, really! Mama always said, "Stay in bed 'till the sun is up and shining"...why can't that apply to the working world too??

The weather in MN cracked yesterday, and was BE-A-U-TIFUL! I took the liberty of going on a short 1/2 mile walk with little man. We walked over to visit with a friend, and on the way to and from my little stinker was talking my ear off. I need to force myself to have more moments like this with him. It sure beats sitting inside watching tv!

blurbalicious

I never dry my shirts or pants in a dryer; I hang my shirts to dry in my closet, and drape my pants over the back of my kitchen chairs

I am extremely tough on myself

I think my passion for life is misleading and often times intimidating

Laundry depresses me

...So does dating

Sometimes, I take an opposing side just for the sake of a great discussion

I see the good in people, and am mostly in denial about the negative aspects of people

Little man amazes me more and more each day

Often times, I wonder if broken relationships from the past will ever be mended

I am obsessively narcissistic about my blog. Some days I really want to be funny, others I strictly want to vent...but everyday I constantly check my site stats (kind of sick, eh?)

I have a really thick Minnesotan accent

I wish I had a circle of single parent friends...or even just parent friends that I could relate to and turn to for support

I hate money

I love school/learning

I admire people who can run a mile without stopping

I wonder if I'll ever be invited to play a role in someones wedding

I am almost convinced that I'm addicted to sugar

Tonight is the first time in as long as I can remember that I washed some clothes, and actually put them away in the same night


Those are a few blurbs about me...stealing borrowing inspiration from Cheryl, are there any questions you feel like asking me? Anything, really...Remember, you'll never know unless you ask :) (well, that's not totally true, but work with me people!)

Craziness

When I was expecting, I remember the first times I felt little man kick. It is an amazing feeling that is near impossible to describe. On that note, I've been having phantom baby kicking feelings. Weird huh? Especially since I haven't "gotten lucky" in close to a year.

No matter how hard I try, I always spell "weird" wrong. Whenever I hit spell check, it's usually the ONLY word highlighted. I think the word literally taunts me. Stupid word.

On another note....I've got a case of the Monday's...and it just so happens to be Monday. Go figure.