Expecting the unexpected is a formula I should try and live by with more patience. I was dealt a card this past weekend that I had not anticipated, but feared what the outcome would be...and my fears came true.
He messaged around midnight...I knew he had been drinking. He usually only contacts me after a few drinks. I have yet to figure out why. In my heart, I feel like we talk because we have a deep connection. In my head, I believe we talk because he has nothing better to do.
Over the past three(+) years, we have hung out about four times. We have known each other longer than that, but for reasons (some known, most unknown) to me, our nights spent with one another have been few and too far between.
His hands are strong, his touch is gentle, and his heart is open. I feel safe in his arms. He always says he'll call the next day or the next week to make plans, to break our "few-and-far-between" cycle....he never follows through. Each time he leaves, it hurts a little more. We can sit wrapped in each others arms for hours, and it is time well spent...time that I wish I could freeze for an eternity. He tells me things that I don't believe. He tells me he thinks I am beautiful. These are words I never hear. I don't know how many more chances I can give him or this. I don't know how long my heart can stay open to him.
In my heart, things feel so easy between the two of us. Each time we meet, it feels like the last time we saw each other was last week, not last year.
Although it feels so natural, I cannot understand why it is so difficult and challenging in real life. Things that feel this right should not play out so hard. The whole situation feels as if I am drowning in an inch of water...it just shouldn't be playing out like this...
I am sure this entire post sounds confusing, random, and non-sensible...I just can't seem to coherently gather my thoughts around this...I will go to bed tonight, dreaming that he calls...it would be nice.
P.S. The inventor of the bubble bath gets a great big high-five from me! They're the perfect end to a long weekend...
40 minutes ago