Excuses and Muses

I don't really know who I am. Yes, maybe I am contradicting myself...but I was thinking about some things last night, and came to the conclusion that I don't really know all of me. There are a few things I know, like how I love to hang out with my friends, I love being a mom, I love singing at the top of my lungs when I'm driving by myself (or when I am driving in general). I know I want to get married and have more children. I know I want to stay at my current company for many years. I know I want to be in a house by the time little-man is in kindergarten. I know I like to talk about anything and everything. Do these things make up who I am? For some reason, I don't feel complete.
Now onto the things I am trying to figure out. For some reason, ever since I was little, I have been more of a follower than a leader in most situations. When I am with a close group of friends, I have no issues stating my opinion. But lately, when hanging around new people, I have discovered that I think and conform to what others are saying and doing. I know I want to be more assertive, but I need to figure out how to make this happen. If you were to ask me my favorite color, I can't even respond (because I can't chose a favorite...I feel like all of the colors are good in their own respects). Sometimes, I worry that if I take responsibility for a situation and it flops, than I will be the one who has to take the blame. Most of the time, I think about how I should have done or said something better, to make myself more understood by others. How can I change my thought process so I can make quick decisions about things in the moment, instead of after the moment has completely passed. I think these issues are part in due to a lack of self esteem, and the need to want to fit in...but right now, I think that's a lame excuse. Another lame excuse as to why I don't like making initial decisions is I tend to change my mind a lot after further thinking. I feel like if people know how often I change my mind, than they will take me less seriously. Often times, I want to conform to others because I am a total and complete people pleaser. I feel when I conform to others' thoughts and opinions (as long as they are not whacky or completely out there...) than I will make them feel better about themselves. This is a weird trait to have, but I feel happy when others are happy, and this is a habbit I have formed. Meh...I'm just being stupid right now...but I really do want to begin an internal quest to find out more about who I am and who I want to be...
Last night, thoughts were racing through my head at a million miles a minute. This morning is no different. While I was cleaning I kept thinking of great ways to put my thoughts down in words...and of course I didn't pull myself away from the mass of laundry to do so. My brilliant way of wording my thoughts was lost..and this was the best I could do to come up with just a fractions of the chaos going on inside my head.

*****

I forgot to mention, I purchased the new Santana Cd. I love it! If you want a mix of up-beat and mellow tunes that you feel the constant urge to snap your fingers, bop your head, or mouth the words to...than this album is for you! The cd itself has 18 tracks, so you definitly get your money's worth, even if they aren't 18 new tracks...they're all classics! The music definitly made it more enjoyable for me to clean last night, and you know you're going to have a great day when you wake up to some great music :)