Some days are great, others are not...but no matter what twists and turns I encounter, you can be sure I'm going to write about it!

Friday, February 22, 2008

When it rains...I pour...A couple more

My g-ma was a raging alcoholic since the tender age of 33...supposedly (according to M) that is when her mother passed away, and she decided to numb her loss with E&J. I will never forget her, sitting in her chair, with a low-ball glass full of E&J and a lit cigarrette...
M drinks on a fairly regular basis. In fact, she reminds me of what my life would be like without little-man around (drinking/going to the bar at least four times a week). She mainly sticks to beer, but also hankers for a margarita, and has even been known to do shots of tequilla or rootbeer barrels. Some people would say "it sounds like you've got a cool M" which I won't disagree with...but there's a time and a place to have an alcoholic beverage, and I highly doubt semi-hardcore to hardcore drinking four nights a week is interpreted as cool when you're almost 50.
I worry that she has followed in my grandmothers footsteps. I don't think she has been in a "non-stop drunk state" since g-ma passed away, but her habbits are not age appropriate, and definitely leaning heavily towards the path of alcoholism. I don't dare speak with her about this because she is more stubbon and hard-headed than I am.
I know a sign of alcoholism is also denial. I know my g-ma denied her drinking until the day it took her life. I know M and others in my family had multiple interventions to try and break up the intense relationship between g-ma and E&J. I don't want to be put into the same position as M was, and be forced to have interventions with her for the sake of her liver, but I have a sad feeling that day will come...
I've been extremely crabby today. The thought of alcoholism entered my mind, because all I want to do is leave work, and go to the bar. The only friend I am looking for goes by the name of Honeyweiss...I wonder if I will walk down the path of alcoholism. It scares me because the last thing I want to do is put little-man in the position where he feels he has lost his mommy to a liquid demon. I don't drink often, and I don't need to get drunk when I go out with friends. I just enjoy releasing stress and kicking back with a brew. Is that being an alcoholic? I am totally confused. I also have the responsiblity of little-man that is keeping me at home 90% of the time. Isn't it ironic that I love little-man to the point where I don't mind being at home most of the time, but when I really feel the NEED to go out, it is because I feel like I need to escape his suffocating toddler behavior?


  1. Wanting to have a drink to relax and destress from the day is not being an alcoholic. doing it every day, in excess, is a different story.
    i think it's great that you love little man so much that you want to be home with him. and it's only natural, that you would also need some mommy-time and a break from him, especially being a single parent. alcoholism is hereditary, but i think being aware of the problems in your family and aknowledging them are huge factors in preventing following the same path.

  2. i second the things ang said. i wanted to add that it's not just drinking every day that makes you an alcoholic. it's the need/urge to drink in order to function (have fun, relax, go to sleep, you name it). sometimes we all just want to kick back with a drink; it's when that's all you want to do, that it's a problem. but it's good to be aware; my mom has told me, "no one plans on being an alcoholic."