As we were driving home from our adventure day at the MOA, little sweet Bop asked me "Where is little-man's daddy?" I have been thinking about how I was going to answer this question since the day I realized little-man's father was not going to be in our lives....a question that I still didn't know how to answer...and was hoping I would not have to worry about for at least another year.
After picking up my jaw off of the ground, I told Bop that little-man has many people in his life that love him and care about him...and that I (his mommy) love him so much that it makes up for the fact that his daddy isn't around. She took what I said, processed it, then continued to watch the scenery around us.
I have been thinking a lot about where my life would be if I hadn't fell into a relationship with little-man's father. About where my life would be if I had decided to stay with little-man's father.
Last night, I had a horrible dream. It involved little-man's father. In my dream, he found out where I lived, showed up at my house, and proceeded to beat me to a bloody pulp. Let me clarify, in reality, this man has never left a bruise on my body...we scuffled the night he had shown up at my house high on whatever drugs he was on, but he never physically hit me, (he just scared me to the point where I felt afraid for my life, and that was enough for me to file the restraining order against him three years ago...) I am still a bit disturbed from the feelings this dream left me with. I wish I could interpret dreams, just to ease my mind of any fear or uncertainty...
I know, in my heart, that I would not be where I am today if I had decided to stay with him...if I had decided to compromise my morals and stay with a man who was emotionally abusive, and secretively on very scary and dangerous drugs. I know I am better off on my own, as lonely as it may be. I know I am finding happiness in the simple pleasures of life. I am finding content in the daily hugs I receive from little-man. I am finding peace and serenity in my surroundings.
3 days ago