I do exist!

Yes people...I do exist....

Honestly, just haven't felt compelled to write much about anything on here. There's no specific reason, really...I've had MANY things happen in my life recently. Perhaps it's a bit of a coming of age for me...I haven't relied on this corner of the net to vent my feelings, or to gain perspective on my life; instead, internalizing, reaching out to a select few whom are close to me, and gaining perspective through that route....a more personable, less public route.

Leh sigh.

I'm still a single, fully time working, single mother in her late twenties who struggles to find the right balance of friends, family, work, school and love (although, the love thing has been non existent for a loooooooooooooong time, I digress).

On the topic of love: How does a late 20-something get across her message that she's ready to have fun?? This so-called late 20-something is stuck at home, doesn't have the opportunity to go out and network in public, (nor does she really have time with her nutty work/family/school life to spend nights out), but in the same breath, this late 20-something has a void she's looking to fill. The void yearns for fun, laughing, and a splash of romance from time to time.

A little help please....?

The Big C

Cancer. The big C. I hate it. Hate, hate, hate, hate, hate it.

While I was vacationing in the great outdoors last week, I learned a family member was diagnosed with Stage 4 Cancer. As I sit here, typing out my thoughts, tears are welling up in my eyes. Honestly, I hadn't cried once until this moment. It's all too surreal, death and mortality.

I think that I'd been denying my grieving process, instead revelling in shock and denial the past week.

In the face of the big C, my uncle has been amazing...although I haven't had the opportunity to speak directly with him, I've kept up on his status via a caring bridge website. He (and this is a direct quote) "doesn't want sympathy because it is between shit and syphilis in the dictionary." What a great way to look at life, especially considering.

All I want to do is hug little man, and curl up under my covers. I wish I could find a lighter side in this ugliness...I'm sure I will eventually, it's just right now I'm clouded by my own emotions. I've lost too many loved ones in my life. I try to live each day as if it were my last, but that's damn near impossible some (most) days, because as much as y'all think I'm perfect, I'm far from it.

I know, in my heart of hearts, I'll eventually find solace in this situation....It will take time, and patience (which, newsflash, I have very little of)...but I will survive. My family will survive. Life will go on.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery and today is a gift...that is
why it is called the present.

Hmph.

Today I'm a wrecking ball of emotions. Yes, I still have a positive outlook on 2010...but a person in my family is sick...and nobody knows who, what, where, when or why.

If you know me well, you know that my family's picture sits in the dictionary next to the word Dysfunctional. A divorce when I was a senior in high school. My mom living with the man who was at the center of the divorce thereafter. Tough times communicating with each other....and the list goes on.

None the less...it's my family, and as much as I've disliked them, I love them just the same.

It's really scary when someone in your family is sick. It's even worse when they get sick in front of you (read: lose consciousness, fall HARD onto the floor and you think they've just dropped dead). And the cherry on the sundae is when the doctors THINK they know what's going on...only to have the powers that be laugh in their face when the symptoms don't go away, and more dropping-dead fainting ensues.

I know there are far worse things going on in the world (i.e. Haiti), but if you get a chance could you send some positive vibes my way? I'd really appreciate it.