Every year, since before I was born, my mom and her friends would get together and play volleyball and softball during the summer months. When I was in middle school, and becoming very interested in playing both volleyball and softball, I asked her if I could play. Her response was always "when you turn 21, you can play." When I turned 21, I was then invited to play, and accepted with a smile. It was a fun thing to do with my mom as a way of reconnecting with her. I was bartending at the time, and had enough free time to devote one night a week to socialize with people that have known me since I was a baby.
Four years have gone by since my first season playing. I now have a full time, serious job, and a toddler. I also devote one night a week playing on a softball team with my friends (which I will never give up!)...so here's my dilemma. I don't want to play or commit to playing once a week with my mom and her friends. I feel so stressed out about this for a couple of reasons. First, my time spent with little man has become limited since returning to work. Second, Volleyball nights break me away from my routine, and then I get crabby. Third, I have to commute through NASTY traffic to get to where they play. Fourth, every year my mom gently reminds me that volleyball is starting, and always assumes I am playing...and I know if I told her I didn't want to play she'd get upset. And the fifth and final reason, I hate being around the alcohol, especially when it is my mom that is doing the consuming. She doesn't know how to regulate herself. Don't get me wrong, it's not like she gets slurry smashed or anything...but she changes a bit when she starts drinking and it makes me a bit uncomfortable. I asked her for a favor this morning, and she said she couldn't help because tonight was volleyball (to which I had to bite my tongue because volleyball starts at 6:15, and she should be home by eight, which would give her AMPLE time to help me, but since her relationship with Michelob Golden Draft is more important...she said "too bad."). I just don't know what to do..and I would really appreciate some words of wisdom.
Second dilemma of today...
My pseudo sister in law wants to get little man and Bop baptized while my brother is home on leave. This gives us about three weeks to join a Parrish, take a baptism class, and setup a date where the kids can be "blessed." I have been toiling with joining a church, and trying to rekindle whatever "faith" I have left in me..but I always seem to run into the same religious block that I have been trying to deal with since the day I found out I was preggo--Catholic Guilt.
My initial reactions when I found out I was preggo was not that of joy...It was a feeling of being a disappointment...not only to my parents, but also in the eyes of the catholic church. Don't get me wrong, I didn't regularly attend mass...so what's the big problem, right? Well...here's the big problem. Since I was little, I've had the catholic religion spoon fed down my throat, and I knew that premarital sex was wrong and a "sin" and that I wanted to be married before I had babies...but those weren't the cards I was dealt. It took me a while to try and address my guilt. I have only attempted to go to church once since little man was born...and I left the church crying in shame. I felt like I was being judged for not being married and having a baby. It was a horrible feeling (and still IS a horrible feeling...). So, I haven't been to church since.
Pseudo Sister asked me to call my old church to see if I could arrange a baptism. I gave them a call today, and ended up speaking with the current Priest, Father Fitz. He seemed like a pretty cool guy, until he asked me how long I had been married. I tried to tell him a very brief synopsis about why I wasn't married...to which he responded "talk about a wake up call.Ok dude...is bizzo slapping a priest bad? Cuz that's ALL I WANTED TO DO (that, and run to the nearest closet, lock myself in and start crying because I am so sick to death of people making me feel bad for having a baby out of marriage...and by people, I only mean the catholic church).
I understand that blatantly saying "go and have babies out of wedlock" is never going to happen in the catholic church..but whatever happened to treating your neighbor as you would treat yourself?? Why does it feel like I am going to wear a scarlet letter for the rest of my life?! After talking with Father Fitz today, I am ready to just say "eff it" and not baptize little man...but at the same time, am I being unfair to him in doing so?
With all of these moral dilemma's running through my head, I feel like mentally checking out for a while! What to do...what.to.do?
4 days ago