Some days are great, others are not...but no matter what twists and turns I encounter, you can be sure I'm going to write about it!

Monday, April 28, 2008


I want to tell you about my friend Mark. I PROBABLY have already told you about him, but because I am feeling supurbly lazy today, I am going to retell you about him. If you are interested in the slightest respects...please read on.
Mark has been in my life for a long time (about six years). We used to be a thing. My belligerent drinking, and his lack of being able to emotionally connect were our demise. He was my first serious boyfriend, and I was his first serious girlfriend. Our relationship started out long distance...and there were wierd dramatic fights from the get-go. It took us about two years of fights to finally call it quits. He told me I had gained weight and he wasn't attracted to me anymore....I thought it was the most horrible thing anyone had ever said to me. It hurt very deep. We went from seeing and talking/fighting with each other daily, to not speaking for almost a year. At first, after my tears had dried, we attempted to establish a friendship. The transition from being together, to only being friends took a couple of years.
Three years ago, I was living my life wrecklessly. Mark was still involved (although he had made it quite clear that he was ONLY a friend...not more or less). Even as a friend, he failed to tell me I was out of control. He met my current "bf" (if that's what you wanna call it..) and I really wish he would have said something to me, (I still don't know why he didn't try to step in a save me from making horrible choices, but then again, I wasn't his responsibility).
He was one of the first people I told about becoming pregnant. His initial response was to spell out A.B.O.R.T.I.O.N. I was utterly appalled (although, I will admit now that I had pondered the idea considering where I was/wasn't at in my life). He was my rock throughout most of my pregancy. He was even in the room when little-man was born (and he was so pale and almost fainted...I'll never forget the look on his face!!)
He freaked out when little-man was about three weeks old, afraid that I was trying to force him to be a father figure, since little man's father was, and most likely will always be absent. We did not talk for over six months. I survived as a single mom, leaning on other friends and family members.
I don't remember how we started talking again, but we did. We have only gone without talking for about a month in the last year and a half. Lately, I have began questioning Mark's role in my life. He really is good to me. He really is great to little man. But I know, deep in my heart, that he does not want to be with me for the rest of his life. This hurts, but at the same time I am comforted. I wish things were not as confusing or complicated. I wish I knew what the best decision for my small family would be. I am so torn, it almost has me sick to my stomach. I yearn for more than just someone to hang out with on lonely weeknights. I yearn for passion, romance, and solid communication. Am I being selfish?
My friends have called me out, telling me I need to be nicer to Mark. They have pointed out the great things he has done for me, and how horrible I treat him. I haven't really been able to explain that my reasons for treating him this way (justified or not) are to prevent myself from becoming too attached. In the past four years since our initial break-up, every time I have tried to make myself vulnerable to him I have wound up with rather deep wounds. My vulnerability has left me sad and alone, and I just don't know how or if I will ever allow myself to be vulnerable to him, or to anyone else for that matter.
I really need to take my own advice, but I still don't know if my own advice is enough to satisfy my craving for answers. I need to focus on what I do have control over. I need to focus on the good things in my life, and less on what is purely out of my control. I need to focus on me, and the well-being of my family. If I don't focus on my family, then who will?

1 comment:

  1. ugh, matters of the heart are so tough. i think you are right. focus on you, and little man, and your goals. when you are truly happy, you will find someone, who is perfectly suited to you, because they know you AS you. i don't think what you want is too much to ask. and i think you will find it.