What to do tonight? I could call up so-and-so, maybe meet for happy hour? How about work out? Maybe I could meet x for dinner...hmmm...
I have so many options, that it's difficult for me to make a decision. I don't think I'll call Miz. She's so busy with little man, I wouldn't want her to feel bad if she can't make it...plus, I don't really want to be around a toddler...nor should a toddler be going to a bar.
This is how I feel my friends think...translation: This is how I think MY life would be if I wasn't me. Their options seem limitless, and unburdened. I feel like I am viewed as a person who doesn't want to be bothered, or as someone who is just a mom. More realistically, it's how I think I would view myself if I was my friend (have I lost you yet?)
Well, here's a tid bit of news...I want to be bothered, and I'm not just a mom. I need social interaction. I need friends who want to hang out with me, even if it's just one on one.
I know my situation is different than my friends. I have been trying my best over the last year to be patient, and hope that some people will not view my friendship as burdensome...but it just hasn't happened yet. There is always a reason, or another event that is better or more exciting than hanging out with me and my small little man.
To compensate for my lack of close friends, I had been hanging onto a friendship that was completely unhealthy for me. Over the past four years, this friendship had been in a vicious circle of nastiness. We would hang out constantly, get into a huge fight, not talk for a long time (sometimes months) and then go back to hanging out constantly. It was slowly breaking me down, and making me feel less worthy of the slightest possibility of quality relationships being realistic in my life.
From the outside, it seemed like I had the perfect setup. Most felt I had a close friend who I was able to lean on for support (either babysitting, or as simple as a constant hang out buddy...like my pseudo husband). What most didn't see is how this relationship had demolished my self esteem. The constant guilt trips, the remarks about my weight, the endless comments about my personal spending habits, and the constant attitude thrown at me in front of little man. There was never an apology thrown my way. Never an ounce of empathy communicated from him. A person can only take so much. I'm not ready to make nice, I'm not ready to back down. I'm mad as hell and I don't have time to go round and round and round. It's too late to make it right, I probably wouldn't if I could. But I'm mad as hell
I feel like today is the start of something new and scary. It is scary for me because I don't thrive as well alone. I know I will get through this, and I firmly believe what doesn't kill me, will only make me stronger (and have to keep reminding myself of this daily).
Although I am very sad that my relationship with this person is over, I know I need to move on.