There is a saying "If you give a mouse a cookie, he'll ask for a glass of milk." I feel like I am the mouse, and all I want is a glass of milk.
Many people are not as fortunate as me to have a family who is willing to do just about anything for you. Without notice, my family seems to change at the drop of a pin. Most people know my parents got divorced my senior year of high school (and if you don't know, it was pretty ugly...M was caught kissing another guy in our own home...M now lives with this guy, it has been about six years now...) I love my immediate family. My parent's are extremely supportive. My bro, who I'll call Navy, has cleaned up his life. Even though my parents are very helpful with little-man, I feel very alone in my quest for support.
M has been without a job for almost a year, and has not been actively looking. She feels she has paid her dues, and does not want to start a new job at the bottom of the totem poll. I understand where M is coming from, but at the same time I don't. All M seems to be doing is sleeping-in, meeting friends for lunch, doing random chores around her house, and going out of town (mostly to uncle T's house) on the weekends. If I want a night to myself to hang out with my friends I feel as if I am imposing on her busy life. All I want is for M to willingly take little-man once a week so I can have some mommy time...I had not felt selfish for thinking this until I actually wrote it down and was able to see my thoughts instead of just thinking them. I keep telling myself I have it great compared to some people who don't have a husband AND don't have a single supportive person in their life...but great just isn't cutting it for me right now!
D was forced into retirement because the lovely truck manufacturing company he worked at was not on top of its game and had to shut down. If it were up to D, he would have stayed working full-time for at least five more years. Since leaving his job (which is also going on a year now) he has done a lot of golfing, taken a few trips, met his guy friends for the occasional lunch or dinner and completed bartending school. He has also been online dating (which is a whole different post soon to come...). D really loves little-man, but I always feel a twinge of guilt when I ask him to give me "mommy time" so I can go out. Is it really too much to ask for ONE night a week to have to myself. Most married people even get one night away from the kids (Honey, watch the kids, I have to go to the store...it's as simple as that...no sitter, hardly any hassle)
Navy is stationed in Crete Greece (lucky bastard!) Navy has had it made since joining the military. He lives on a beautiful island paradise. His only downfalls are being away from his little girl, Bop (which I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult that must be on him), having to deal with "baby-mama drama" from thousands of miles away, and falling in love with a girl from sweden who is too young to appreciate what love is. Navy and I were never really close growing up. We were the brother and sister who were always fighting. When things got really tough we were always there for each other. I attribute us not currently being close to poor timing. When M was caught in the act, she was caught by Navy. The year to follow was a horrible mess. I know I could have handled myself better, but when you're 18 and a senior in high school, you think you know everything and you only think about yourself. My freshman year of college I went to Duluth for school, and Navy found drugs. Needless to say, Navy was entangled in a nasty mess of god only knows what drugs for the next four years, leading up to the birth of his daughter, (which thankfully sobered him up for good). Just before Bop's second birthday, Navy joined the military, and is due to check out in about four years. I am so proud of him for cleaning up his life, but it leaves me one more body short of a gauranteed "mommy's night out" seeing as the commute from greece to home is a little too pricy to take just to babysit :p
I want to take a moment to define what I mean by mommy time. Mommy time is anytime where I don't have little-man with or around me. It is a time where you don't have to focus if you don't want to. Work is not mommy time because you have to work...driving to get little-man is a taste of mommy time only because I can talk on the phone without a screaming whiny baby in the background, (but fighting traffic to get to little-man is not the most enjoyable thing in the world, so I don't count it!). For me, it is extremely liberating to run an errand like going to target or grocery shopping without little-man. Occasionally seeing the girls without worrying about little-man would also be nice...
I may be viewed as selfish or crazy or whatever...all I can say for certain is I want my cookie, and give me a glass of milk!
4 days ago