Sad Day.

The Twins lost tonight. I'm going to sleep a bit bummed. Goodnight.

Public Spider Announcement (PSA)

Five spiders in two days....seriously.

I've lived in my apartment for two and a half years. In that time, I've been riddled with pests galore, and to add to the mix this week, I seem to be finding a spider lurking around every corner. Is this a sign I should move? The issues wouldn't be so difficult to deal with if I had someone to share my frustrations with. Particularly this week.

I feel as if the spiders have decided to target me. What did I ever do to them? It doesn't help that I don't like spiders at ALL. My only sidekick stands at just over two feet tall...and, lets be real, he is much more of a wuss than I am. He cowers every time a fly is in his vicinity.

It would be one thing if these spiders contributed around my place. If they dusted here, or put the dishes away there...but they don't. They just sit in the corner where the ceiling meets the wall and stare at me. Their beady eyes tell me "I'm going to bite you when you're sleeping, and then I'm going to crawl into your mouth." Can you understand why this hasn't been a lot of fun? How would you feel if you were taunted by creatures the size of dime?

So, my message to spiders is simple. Stay out of my place, and you won't be introduced to my lethal paper towel while listening to me screech in disgust, only to end in a swift run to my trash. Thanks.

Crap.

Sometimes, I feel like I suck at life. As a side note, I'm really trying to keep my glass half full right now.

Let it be known that I made an assumption that a guy I've gone on 2.5 dates with knew I was a mom. For some reason tonight, my gut told me to check my dating profile tonight...and there it was: No mention of me being a mom.

Seeing as I checked this profile at, oh, 11:30pm....I was left with no choice but to send him an email clarifying things. Was this the right move? Good LORD, I hope so! I was too much of a chicken-shizzle to call him...plus, it was almost midnight for crying in the beer! Who is still AWAKE at that god-awful time of night, eh?

Hopefully this blond moment will play out for the better...I am honestly expecting it not to, which makes me a little sad only because he really is a great guy...and also sad because I am a bit tired of people running from me* because I have a child**. It's a tough world we live in.

*Wouldn't it be kind of funny if people saw me out with little man and actually DID start running in another direction? (At least I still make myself laugh even though I feel like an idiot right now. lol)

**Especially because little man really is an amazing component of my life. I know I always say I want guys/people to see me as a person first, but let's face it...I AM a mom, and there's no changin that fact.

Relationships

For a long time, I was never comfortable in social situations. I had a looming feeling that I needed to impress people, and would never fail to say something obsurd or annoying. It was never intentional, it's just something that always seemed to happen.
Some things haven't changed, however, one important thing has. This past week, I met up with some great people I hadn't seen in years. We were brought together again because of the passing of a high school classmate. Although I hadn't spoken with this classmate since high school, I felt an extremely strong urge to honor him, his life, his family and his friends by attending his services. I had known him since elementary school, and it was the least I could do.
His untimely passing gave all of us a shining opportunity to catch up with each other. I wish it were under better circumstances, but I am so thankful I was able to spend time with these people.
When I arrived home after spending a night with these people, I was struck with an amazing realization. For the first time, I felt like myself around this particular group of people. The feelings of expectation had faded from my inner conscious. It was a simple night. It was a great night. I hope there are many more of these nights to come.

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Particularly, around this "time of the month" I tend to get a bit down about the way my life is going. I have dozens of people I know, but this "time of the month" never fails to whisper in my ear that I don't have many people who are besties. I feel saddened by this and only blame myself...but somethings are not to blame, and although I'm the first to point the finger at "me", I know I am just being a bit melodramatic.

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All of the thoughts running through my head are stark reminders that relationships are valuable and precious. Friends, family, acquaintances and peers. All are delicate. All deserve the utmost respect. All are what make us rounded individuals.

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I am one who tends to shrug these types of feelings off with a "meh." I have the feeling(s), I let them out, I go to bed, and I wake up with a smile on my face in the morning. Maybe that's weird to some...but to me, it's what I do best. If you stuck with this post for this long...Thank you (or should I be saying I'm sorry. hehehe).

Last Night in Six Words

Date. Butterflies in stomach. Go Twins!

Happy Anniversary!

As of today, I've been in my current position for a year. It is a milestone of time that has flown past my eyes in a glorious and enjoyable whirlwind. My coworkers are amazing. The work is steady. My boss is unbelievably supportive of my professional and personal life. At times, it feels like my own personal utopia...and I love every second of it.
I never envisioned myself as a part of the corporate world...more so, I never fathomed actually enjoying the majority of my time spent working.
Maybe I love the company I am currently receiving my paychecks from because I respect them and their business decisions. I had previously worked in a horrible politically motivated environment. Switching positions and companies has given me a breath of fresh air that I enjoy breathing in every morning as my alarm goes off to start my day.
I am so thankful for the opportunities I've been fortunate for this past year. I am extremely excited for the opportunities my company is providing for my future. I've got a cheesy grin on my face, and I don't see it going away anytime soon.

Thanks Baby Boy

Dear Little Man,
The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Some amazing, some not so much. In all, it has reminded me to cherish you even when you seem to go out of your way to upset me. Somehow, you manage to make me smile when smiling feels like an impossible feat. I love that about you. Like how you looked at me early Monday morning, and without prompting, smiled and told me I looked pretty. This was the first time you've ever said something like that to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks baby boy.
Lately, on the way home from school, you've been in a semi-serious mood. I wish I could capture your facial expressions on camera. They're adorable (and I'm not just saying it either...they are equally as funny as they are cute, I promise!). You tell me something, like "I want fruit snack mama" and then pout your lips out, have a serious brow, and shake your head. It almost looks like you have convinced yourself of a brilliant idea, and I would be crazy not to go along with it. I've found myself laughing at this expression on more than one occasion. Thanks baby boy.
You seem to be a potty-trained master. As much as it drives me nuts, it's very entertaining to race you to the potty when we walk in the door in the afternoon. Mommy always seems to have the urge to go..and your little man feet never fail to scurry behind me while you proclaim "NO MAMA!! I GO POTTY!!" This past week, you've started to take my poor bladder into consideration. When I hear "Your turn now mama!" I can not resist a smile from the way you are using your "toddler manners". Thanks baby boy.
Tomorrow, mommy will have been at her "new job" for exactly a year. You've endured countless early mornings, many long days, followed by random nights filled with errands here and there. I try my best to have at least one quality moment with you each day. The sounds of your giggles recharge my batteries, and reminds me why being your mama is so amazing. Thanks baby boy.

I love you from here to the moon, and back again!
Mama

Hopes and Fears

I'm going to let you in on a little secret. I haven't kissed a boy in over five months....and I wasn't sober at the time. In fact, I do NOT remember the last time I had a truly passionate, sober, heart stopping kiss. Does a person forget how to kiss? Please tell me it's like riding a bike. Kissing God, if you're out there...please have mercy on me!

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I have to attend two funerals on Monday. It seems like the only thing going right in my life (aside from little man's health) is my dating life...and let me tell you, I thought hell would freeze over before that would happen.
I just haven't felt like myself the past couple of days. I start thinking about everything that has happened and I start spontaneously ugly crying. I really hope I snap out of this soon.

Friday Finds

In lieu of all of the crappy things going on in my life...I've decided to make a sad and pathetic attempt to lighten the mood....

WHO'S UP FOR THE GOOGLE SEARCH WORDS USED TO FIND THIS LITTLE OLD BITTY?? I AM! I AM!

So here goes it...the words that people typed into google, and led them here (in no particular order..) (I lied...they're in order of my least favorite to most favorite...or are they...dum dum dummmmmm)

~ Tragic spinster
~ Twilight zone circus
~ bich ers (really, I didn't type that wrong...it's really what was used. I know, right?)
~ pondering thoughts on life.
~ cinderella twists and turns
~ stacy eharmony (creepy!)
~ pandora duece (huh?)
~ sailor language (GUILTY!)
~ random life questions to ponder
~ good by in sailor language (again, that's the exact phrase..weird, huh?)
~ stuck in a rut (oh snap!)
~ bumper sticker, go fly a kite (werd)

Really people, I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. Hope you're having a lovely Friday!

Hugs'n Smootches Around!!

Words Really Cannot Describe...

My heart hurts while I am writing this...just thought I should warn you.

This week, while filled with fun and exciting news about my recent rekindled dating life, has been riddled with gut-wrenching news.

I found out on Monday afternoon that a classmate of mine from high school had fallen ill, and had been rushed to the hospital. His diagnosis was bleak. I'll spare you the details, but to sum it up, it was cancer. Tuesday afternoon, a message was posted that he had passed away. I was in shock.

I hadn't spoken with this person in a long time...but I have very fond memories of him. He was the type of guy who loved to argue for the sake of arguing. He would read people's reactions to his words, and fuel his arguments off of their passion. It was equally annoying and entertaining. He had a kind heart that you could see in his eyes. He was far too young to perish.

This afternoon, while sitting in a class, I received an email from little man's daycare with a subject line reading: Important. In this email, I was informed that the three month old baby of little mans's former toddler teacher was found dead in his crib. The second I read this news, I got up from my chair and walked out of the classroom (lucky for me the class had been over for a minute, and people were filling out the class evals, and leaving shortly after). I composed myself, finished my eval, and v-lined for my car so I could let my emotions out.

I am finding myself tear up as I'm writing this. I just wrote out the details of what happened to Cameron, but my moral judgments are deeming them too graphic to post on my blog. If you care to hear the unabridged version, email me and I'll tell you. It really makes no difference how he passed away...the fact remains that a mother is without her baby, a father without his son, and a little boy without his little brother. I can't even begin to understand the void they must all be feeling...my heart pains for them.

My crying and hysterics this afternoon only lasted for about ten minutes. Once my tears had dried, my mind started racing to figure out what I could do to help out Amy's family. The best I could come up with is to organize a group effort of daycare parents to get together and prepare one-dish meals that can be frozen, and reheated. I just sent out an email to the group, and am waiting for feedback.

I just can't seem to wrap my mind around all of this. Hopefully the sun will shine tomorrow.

Any Suggestions?

Ok...So I outed myself about the second date..and now I need your help. What is a fun and appropriate second date? I am really looking into doing something slightly non-traditional..and with a high amount of fun involved.
A couple of traditional ideas I've come up with:
~Bowling
~Dinner and a movie

I really want to take a trip to the apple orchard...but I would love to reserve something like that for a third date (IF there's a third date...).

Is it bad that I'm hoping there's some sort of drinking involved to help ease any awkwardness of "the goodbye"? I mean, I barely remember the last time I kissed a boy!! I have a nervously excited ball of giddiness in my tummy :)

WHEW!

Well readers...I did it. I took the plunge, and met a second guy from ewhatthehellwasithinkingharmony.
We went through all of the online dating "hoops", spoke with each other on the phone, and had setup a lunch date for today.
The plan was to meet at a restaurant close to my work. I won't lie...I was EXTREMELY nervous about meeting him. He seemed very nice on the phone (but so did the last guy). His profile pictures looked nice (as did the last creep guy).
All fears and inhibitions aside, I enjoyed a lovely lunch with a very nice and well mannered guy. We setup a second date, and at the sake of jinxing myself, I'm really excited.

Well...I'm Wishing...

A few of my friends tipped me off to a full ride scholarship available to working mothers. It was very easy to apply (almost too easy). All you had to do was log in to their website, fill out a brief questionnaire, and submit an essay about how a full ride online college scholarship would benefit you. I submitted my application on a whim.

I just received the following email:

Dear Project Working Mom Applicant,

We want to thank you for applying for a scholarship to Ashford University . We received an unprecedented number of applications – more than 24,000! All applications are currently under review and we will announce our ten scholarship recipients on September 30, 2008. Thank you again for your interest in Ashford University .

Sincerely,
Ashford University

So...to the more than 24,000 OTHER applicants vying for this scholarship...could 24,991 of you step aside and leave a spot for me? This would definitely be too good to be true...Should I start holding my breath now, or later?

My Utopia

When I grow up I'm not sure if I want to be famous, or a star, or be in movies.

When I grow up, I'd love to see the world, drive a nice car, but I'm not so sure I'd be interested in having groupies.

When I grow up, I don't need to be on TV, have people know me, or be on magazines.

When I grow up, I want to be happy, surrounded with people who are morally upstanding, and live life to the fullest without being materialistic.

I've been careful what I wish for because I just might get it...and by-golly, wouldn't that be fantastic.

Dazed and Confused

I was looking forward for some low key hanging out since 8am Friday morning. As much as I love my job, the time couldn't fly fast enough. I was set to pick up a pizza and hang out with a girl friend from high school. I needed some chill time...it was long overdue.
The night was great....until just after my friend left. A chill swept over my body, and before I knew it, I had spiked a fever.
I just don't get it. It seems like I ALWAYS get sick on the weekend! Not only was I determined to not get sick, but I was also supposed to attend a bachelorette party. As much as I had needed a chill night in, I needed a crazy night out on the town with the girls. I popped two extra strength advils, in hopes that this would pass...but I woke up the next morning and felt like I had been hit by the sick bus. I was miserable.
Determined to pretend like I wasn't sick, I got dressed and took my car to get a few minor things worked on...as the time passed, the urge to crawl back into bed grew stronger. I made a call to say I wasn't going to be able to make it to the party, went home, and slept the noon hour away with little man.
When we woke up, the sitter I had planned to watch little man came over and took him out so I could rest. I slept the entire afternoon away...and when they came home I ALMOST felt like I could go out...but I knew better than that. I settled in, and called it a night.
This morning I woke up with a nasty headache...almost as if I had actually gone out and drank. I was a bit stumped...but I'm thinking it was from a lack of caffeine. Between you and me, I'm already looking forward to this coming Friday, since this entire weekend was a giant sick/sleep fest!!

I DID IT!

I feel slightly accomplished today. I finally figured out how to juice up my title picture!! I am a girl with little to know knowledge on these sorts of things...and I did it all on my own, without asking for help. I know there are fancier layouts..but this change is just what I was looking for. I'll step off of my soapbox now! I just couldn't resist relishing in the moment :)

FYI

...I'm trying to redo my title...please bear with my lack of computer knowledge while I try and construct something eye catching and not totally HUGE!
And while you're at it..I added the new "Follow Me" button...it's pretty easy to use (I think)...so will ya do me a favor and boost my ego by following me already? Thanks

I'll Always Remember.

To divert myself from myself...I am going to share what I was doing on 9/11.

It was my freshman year at UMD. I had just moved into my hotel room dorm. I was "one of those kids" who applied for college at the last second, was accepted, and then placed into overflow housing. Overflow housing at UMD consisted of living in a hotel on the shore of Lake Superior...which was pretty fantastic, aside from the fact that my parents didn't allow me to have a car, and I had to take a shuttle bus every time I needed to go to campus.

I was supposed to be in a Philosophy class. While I was walking through the halls, I noticed they were baron. It was a very odd feeling. The class started at 8am, being the ambitious college student that I was (for the first week of school at least...) I was ten minutes early. I heard the faint buzzing of an overhead radio, but my ears had to be lying to me. The radio was telling me that an airplane had crashed into a building in NYC...HUH? Once I reached class and had learned that the radio hadn't been lying, I v-lined it to a friend's on-campus apartment. When she answered the door, we both dropped our jaws and agreed this couldn't be happening. She told me she was going to change quick, but to take a seat in her living room and watch tv. It wasn't 30 seconds after I had sat down that I witnessed the second plane hit the second tower. I shouted for my friend, who raced into the living room. Thinking about that moment still brings chills down my spine, and a tear to my eye.

Throughout the day, I heard rumors that gas was going to spike to six dollars a gallon. I was told airplanes were grounded nation wide. When I looked out my hotel-dorm window, to see an airplane flying I had a mini anxiety attack, and called my mom. She informed me that there was an airbase close by, and the only planes allowed to fly were military planes. This calmed me, but only slightly.

Around 8pm that night I received a phone call. My uncle had suffered a major heart attack. The episode left him in a coma. I hadn't been allowed to bring a car with me to college. I felt stranded, and was longing to be home with my family. My mom made it to duluth by 11, and we were on our way back to the cities. We didn't say much on the car ride home...It was the longest two hours of my life.

When I returned to school the next week, my uncle was still hanging onto his life. I had wanted to stay with my family until all was said and done, but my parents pushed me to go back to duluth. My uncle passed away the next day.

It wasn't the start to my college career that I had hoped for... I guess you can say I learned the hard way you can't always get what you want.

Santa's Response

Dear Stizzle,

You are on top of your game this year! In fact, you are the first letter I've received for the upcoming holiday season. I appreciate your organization and thoughtfulness for writing me so soon.
As per your requests...
I would love to give you a fun toddler device that would change your little boy into a well behaved child, but as you already said, such a device does not exist. I will say, as long as you keep loving him, and smiling through the tough times, he will turn out to be a great young man.
Your requests make me out to be God-like...this, I am not. Keep your thoughts positive, and your goals in perspective. Life will throw you curve balls, but as long as you keep your eye on the ball...you should have no problem hitting it out of the park.
Now...be sure to sit down with Little Man and help him write a list for me. I look forward to hearing back from you and your family.

Love, Peace and Holiday Cheer for All,
Santa

Dear Santa

Dear Santa,

I know my wish list is a bit preemptive...But I couldn't wait to write to you to request a few small miracles things.

1)a device that will turn my toddler from a hellion into a good little boy again.

2)patience...since you and I both know that such a device does not exist.

3)a savings account that will allow me to purchase a home for myself and little man.

4)the motivation to keep my house clean, and the laundry put away.

5)companionship...Not from you Santa (although, I think you're a great guy and all...) this is more of an "in general" request. (also, please notice how I didn't say Husband or Boyfriend like I have said in years past...maybe this is a sign that I'm growing up...Maybe it's a sign that I'm alright with a great friend...Whatever it is, I hope you can help out)

6)a winning fantasy football team.

7)strength, both physical and emotional.

I really think I've been a "good girl" this year (if you don't count that one time...you know what I'm talking about...). Nobody's perfect, right? I'm sure I'll be sending you a more updated list soon.

Thanks Santa! Much Love,
Stizzle.

Motivating?

Dear Me,

Please start following through with life. Thanks much. Bye.

Dreaming a good Dream.

I fully understand and believe that dreams are not meant to be interpretted literally. On that note, I am going to go against the grain, and hope the dream I had last night literally becomes a reality sooner than later. I won't bore you with the details...just know that it involved me and my famiy, a real estate agent, and my grandmothers house (which was sold a good fifteen years ago...).

Things that make me go Hmmm.

At the risk of having an Andy Rooney moment...here are some things/concepts I just can't seem to grasp:

How my house seems to turn into a disaster area within the blink of an eye.

I have a lot of people in my cell phone directory...why do I spend most of my nights alone?

How am I going to acheive my goal of becoming a homeowner in the next two and a half years, when I can hardly seem to afford to pay the bills I currently have?

Allergies.

The reasoning (or lack there of) of a 2 1/2 year old little boy.

Laundry. Loads and Loads of laundry.

The reasoning (or lack there of) of men.

Immediate family.

Neighbors in apartment buildings.

Neighbors in general.

Luck.

Heartache-filled Void.

"I want my daddy." The words feel like a a dull sword slowly slicing away at my heart. I try to tell him he has his mommy...and that his mommy loves him very much. I make every attempt to reassure him of this. My heart aches for the void he feels. I wipe silent tears from my eyes. I wish things were different.

Help.

When you witness a friend self destructing...and they keep saying how horrible things are for them...yet they keep making the same destructive decisions causing their life to be so horrible...when is enough, enough?

I have known her for about four years. We've maintained a telephone friendship...rarely hanging out in person due to geographic variances. When I had little man, that was an added reason for me to stay a bit closer to home. She was in a "serious relationship" and had turned into a "we person" making her life too busy to be able to come to my neck of the woods (which I really didn't hold against her).

The "serious relationship" recently ended...and our conversations about her mental health grew immensely. She's been in treatment before. She constantly tells me she shouldn't drink, yet she consistently ends up with people who are drinking...which always results in her getting extremely drunk.

The next day is always the same. The conversation is: "I had a horrible night. I ended up getting wasted, calling (insert random guy here). I really need help. I really need to go to treatment." I reply with "I'm here for you. Yes, you need help. AA is free, and I really think it would be a great start." To which the advice is met with resistance...

I bite my tongue as much as possible..but a few slip ups of my strong opinions are inevitable. We never get into a fight about her sobriety...but each time she tells me she has gone out and drank herself into a stupor, my feelings of empathy slowly fade away.

I wish I knew how to solve her issues. As time goes on, I am realizing that task is darn near impossible. I hate to say this, but I'm slowly giving up hope that she will be healthy.

So, again...I ask you: When is enough, enough?