When you witness a friend self destructing...and they keep saying how horrible things are for them...yet they keep making the same destructive decisions causing their life to be so horrible...when is enough, enough?
I have known her for about four years. We've maintained a telephone friendship...rarely hanging out in person due to geographic variances. When I had little man, that was an added reason for me to stay a bit closer to home. She was in a "serious relationship" and had turned into a "we person" making her life too busy to be able to come to my neck of the woods (which I really didn't hold against her).
The "serious relationship" recently ended...and our conversations about her mental health grew immensely. She's been in treatment before. She constantly tells me she shouldn't drink, yet she consistently ends up with people who are drinking...which always results in her getting extremely drunk.
The next day is always the same. The conversation is: "I had a horrible night. I ended up getting wasted, calling (insert random guy here). I really need help. I really need to go to treatment." I reply with "I'm here for you. Yes, you need help. AA is free, and I really think it would be a great start." To which the advice is met with resistance...
I bite my tongue as much as possible..but a few slip ups of my strong opinions are inevitable. We never get into a fight about her sobriety...but each time she tells me she has gone out and drank herself into a stupor, my feelings of empathy slowly fade away.
I wish I knew how to solve her issues. As time goes on, I am realizing that task is darn near impossible. I hate to say this, but I'm slowly giving up hope that she will be healthy.
So, again...I ask you: When is enough, enough?
4 weeks ago
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Maybe you're just not telling her what she wants to hear. If she says she needs help yet resists the idea of AA I would think that she's really looking for you to tell her that she doesn't have a problem.
ReplyDeleteAnd for obvious reasons, you can't do that. You can't help her until she's ready to help herself.
I wish that I had some sage advice on how to handle it.
People need to be ready to help themselves before anyone else can help them. Until she's ready to do that, no words or actions on your part will make a lasting difference. Some people have to hit rock bottom before they will climb back up. Some people never break-out of their bad habits. Some people agree with you, but never do anything about it.
ReplyDeleteSometimes friendships run their course and need to come to an end. Sometimes friendships morph into different kinds of friendships. Life changes, that's ok. You need to decide if this relationship is becoming more of a negative impact on your life than it is a positive one. If that's the case, change things. If you want to continue standing by her side, that's great, but do so accepting that she may never change. There is no shame in needing to move forward, and if others in your life don't support that, maybe they have less (or even no) place in your life. Support your friends, but don't do it at the cost of your own sanity.
-Ang
I've been there with family. Eventually I had to say I'm here if you need me when you decide to get help, but I don't immerse myself in it, for my own sanity.
ReplyDeleteSky: I am beginning to think she wants me to tell her she doesn't have a problem as well. She also knows I wouldn't lie to her...so hopefully my words are beginning to resonnate with her...and hopefully she'll follow through with getting help for herself.
ReplyDeleteAng: I agree. I just can't seem to be decisive about what is best for my life (without feeling guilty and completely selfish).
Cheryl: I wish I had some self restraint like you!! Striving on insanity is completely draining...maybe it's high time I separate myself.
All: Thanks for your kind words. Hopefully this situation will resolve itself sooner than later. For now, I guess I just have to be patient...and follow my gut.