We met in February, and it was lust at first sight.
The relationship was intoxicating. I knew he had a troubled past, but my heart had faith things would be different with me. I could make him change.
I didn't allow myself to see or acknowledge his drug use. I didn't allow myself to see his temper. Although he never hit me, I saw his volatility...especially when he drank....and drink he could. Jack was his flavor of choice. Once his body was filled with the poison, he would snap and throw his weight around with people he called his friends.
I saw him get into screaming shoving matches.
I saw him kick doors in.
But I didn't really see him.
It wasn't until one spring night, just four months after our tumultuous relationship began, that I allowed myself to see his true colors. He arrived at my house late and had a cold look in his eye. I had been sitting at home, watching television. He knocked, and I let him in. When it was obvious to me that he was trying to pick a fight, I asked him to leave. My proclamation of independence was enough to push him over the edge. He wouldn't leave. He took my phone. His eyes were so cold and completely wild, and I had never been so afraid for my life. I tried to physically push him out of my house. Since I couldn't call the police at this point, I knew I needed to find a way to get from the second story duplex (read: my home) to my car.
Could I jump out of the window? Maybe.
It was then that he had tore open the screen to my entry way window, unlocked the dead bolt, and kicked in the door chain. He threw me on my bed, covered my mouth and demanded me to stop crying. I did, and when he let me stand up and asked me what MY problem was, a light bulb went off in my head. I knew I needed to act psychotic to escape..and act psychotic I did. I created an out, grabbed my keys, and darted out of the door to my car.
That night I drove to my mom's house. The next morning I filed a restraining order. Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant.
Some might look at my story and think "Why didn't you open your eyes and just LEAVE?!" or think I opened my eyes to see his dark side a month too late.
I don't look at it that way.
My son is an absolute blessing. He makes me see the world differently. He makes me see myself differently. He is the blessing that I needed. He is the best thing that could've ever happened to me.
I share this with you because a local radio station asked people to share their stories about how they broke free from an abusive relationship. I guess I broke free because I finally decided to open my eyes and actually SEE what was going on. I'll be the first to tell you that I was apprehensive to file the restraining order. We saw each other a couple of times soon after it was filed, when I found out I was pregnant. The night I told him I was pregnant, and he decided to go home and get high on whatever drug he chose at the time, then disappear on a four day meth binge was the last time I saw him.
I deserved better, and my son did and always will deserve the best. I broke off all contact going forward, and if I had to do it all over again, I would do it just the same.
Sure, I was scared....but I did it, and I survived.
4 days ago