I feel ashamed.

I said I would never do it. I don't need to add more daily internet distractions to my life....but I did.

I joined Twitter.

I almost feel like I should spend the better half of the next century repenting my tweets. I will admit, I'm pretty much a facebook addict....so why add another addiction? Yeah, I know...

I still don't get the hype around tweeting, and twitter as a whole. It took me over a day to figure out how to actually "tweet" to someone publicly. There's a lot about the website I don't understand in the least...it kinda makes me feel old and outdated...

BUT, I'm bound and determined to try and make it my own. If you're interested in following me...I am @stacemah. Stop by and say hello...at the very least, make fun of me for being a completely clueless tweeter.

Happy Memorial Day!!

...

Today, I woke up happy.

The River

Every day, on my way to and from work, I cross the Mighty Mississippi. I am enthralled at how gorgeous the shorelines are although the bridge happens to be in the middle of Minneapolis.

This morning, as I was driving to work, I was struck with a small epiphany. You see, today, the river was calm. Yesterday, when the winds were fiercely blowing, the river had white-caps. Doesn't the same hold true for life?

When nothing seems to go right, and the winds of frustration are strong, you life feels agitated.
When the winds die down, life turns peaceful and jovial, just like the river without winds.

The power a river possesses is very frightening to me. The currents are a bit unpredictable, and in most cases, unless you go with the flow you're in for an exhausting ride. I guess I'll admit that life scares me too, but I'm going to do my best to go with the flow and hope for a great outcome.

To Run

"I hate whoever invented running." Words I used to mutter continuously growing up. Whenever a coach instructed me to run, I would cringe. I would struggle, and curse in my head during the entire run. I wouldn't be happy.

A few weeks ago, I decided I was going to "run" a 5K. Now, seeing as my outlook on running in general is rather dis-tasteful, I think my inquiry for company surprised a few. I joked with others when asked if I had been training by saying "of COURSE...I've been thinking about it EVERY DAY!"

This morning marked D-Day. I felt a bit guilty because my pace was quite slow compared to that of my friends who were in much better shape than me. My goal was to finish in 45 minutes. I crossed the finish line in 45:22 (not too shabby if you ask me!).

Then, it was awards time. No, I didn't receive an award...but rather, witnessed people from many different walks of life who had participated in the run. Young kids and old adults adults alike. At that moment, I began to realize WHY people run. It's something virtually anyone can do. So long as you can walk, you can run. One foot in front of the other is the most coordination that is required. One foot in front of the other. It's simple. It takes your breath away. It hurts your legs when they aren't used to it. But it's still one foot in front of the other, old or young, fast or slow.

My legs still feel tired from the run this morning. I plan on signing up for another one. Although I'll probably struggle walking tomorrow, I plan on ACTUALLY training for the next race. I also plan on running the entire thing. I'd be lying if I told you I wasn't excited.

What to do?

I feel as if I'm at a crossroads. I have (what feels like) a million different ways I can turn, and I haven't been able to figure out which path will be the best decision.

I feel like moving. The catch? I would really love to move into a house (but for financial reasons CANNOT afford it). I also really love where I currently live. The downside to where I currently live? I feel like something is missing. Maybe if I get a garage so I can clear the outdoor toys out of my closets I'll feel a little less suffocated? Who knows!

I feel like relocating to another state. The catch? As fantastic as it sounds on paper, moving to another state where my social circle equals zero scares me to bits.

I feel like putting myself up for adoption. The catch? As frustrating as my family is, they're still my family. I CERTAINLY don't like a single one of them right now, but I will always love them. I wish my immediate family life wasn't so darn complicated. A dad who could care less if we spoke to one another. A mom who has a good heart but always seems to make crappy decisions. A brother who has a good heart but is so selfish and manipulating that he drives me UP A WALL. Do you know of any families willing to take a semi-crazy girl and her three year old son in? Thnx.

hmph.

Today I feel like I need to do a bit of self affirmations. When I feel like this, I laugh at the memory of Stewart Smalley....because, you know what?
I'm good enough.
I'm smart enough....
And doggone it, people LIKE ME.

I'm good enough.
I'm smart enough....
And doggone it, people LIKE ME.

I'm good enough.
I'm smart enough....
And doggone it, people LIKE ME.

I'm good enough.
I'm smart enough....
And doggone it, people LIKE ME.

The End.

Five Ways....

To make my afternoon feel less daunting.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. I love my job. I love the company I work for and I love the work my company does. As much as I love my job, I've hit a work-day pattern that I NEED to shake. My mornings always FLY by...and my afternoons DRAG.

To help rectify this, I've come up with a list of five things to make my afternoons less of a pain in my rear.

1) Get up and walk around the office once an hour.
2) Avoid my Google Reader until 1pm...that way I have many things to read!!
3) Make it a point to force myself to work for at least twenty minutes each hour.
4) Apply for online reality television programs.
5) Rally your single friends for a speed dating event.

So folks, there ya have it! Five ways I've made my afternoons a little more tolerable. Hope everyone is having a fantabulous week!

Lovin My Life

I had a fantastically negative post lined up regarding my disdain for certain family dysfunctions...I slept on it, and decided (as I was about to drift off into la la land) that nobody really wants to read dramatic whining crap.

Here's a couple of reasons why I LOVE being a mom.

Unconditional love.

There's really nothing quite like it. The first time I was slapped in the face with unconditional love was when I met my niece the day she was born. She was pure and complete perfection. My brother and niece's mom were very young parents. I remember walking into the hospital room, saying "Where's my little princess?" They told me she was hungry, and I said "hand her over"....she took her mini bottle from me like the champ I knew she was. It was adorable, sweet, and a moment I will never forget.
When I became preggo with my own little one, I'll be the first to tell you how terrified I was. I knew from the get-go I would be his only parent. I had no clue how I was going to physically bring this sweet angel of mine into the world. Well, truth be told I managed to overcome my fear. As excruciatingly exhausted as I was the night morning that I delivered him, I was also overflowing with a euphoria I could never have imagined. He was here, he was mine, and he was a 9lb, 2oz baby bundle of amazingness.
It's weird to think back to the first time we faced each other, because he was EXACTLY like I thought he would be. Even to this day, I look at him and I see my baby. I see what he'll look like at 15. I see his future. Every time I stare into his eyes, he bares his soul, and biased as I might be, it's a good soul. When he's happy, I can feel it. When he's sad, it pains my heart. He's an extension of me as much as he is his own person. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love him.

Laughter

As a mom, there are many moments that are difficult to keep your cool. For every difficult moment, there are ten times as many moments where you find yourself laughing at the ridiculous situations life throws at you. Whether it's an accidental slip, an unexpected burp, or a silly facial expression, sharing those moments with my child have given my belly such a workout from laughing.
The silly moments are what makes the difficult moments worthwhile. Recently, little man's humor has began to develop. He tells (straight out) that he's going to do something naughty. He catches me completely off guard, and then he quickly follows up with a goofy "I'm just kiddin mom!" with hilarious hand gestures and all. It's a moment where I can see how much he enjoys laughing. It's a moment where I am so blessed that he wants to share his silliness with me. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

Three Tid Bits

A few things have happened to me as of late.

1) The internet reared an ugly, dark side to me. A side with which I hope to never see again. In a nutshell, I had been speaking with a guy from an internet dating website. There was something about our interaction that sent off red flags in my stomach. Instead of approaching this feeling, and cutting things off, I stopped emailing him. I didn't believe I needed to invest anymore time into something that was going nowhere fast (not the nicest thing in the world to do, I know). Well, he didn't appreciate that too much, and started sending me multiple emails that included text like "a;lkjfa;lskhfj;alsh, thanks". After about the sixth email, I politely responded by saying stop effing emailing me freak, I'm not interested "I would appreciate it if you stopped emailing me. I am not interested at this point in time, but best of luck in your search."
WELL...he didn't take my response like I had hoped. Instead he replied with: "rotflmao nice apt complex." UM.....CREEPY! I did a little bit of internet investigating, and removed as much private content on the internet about me as I could find. I'm sure someone could still "find me" if they wanted to...but if I spend all of my time worrying about the worst, how would I be able to enjoy myself?

2) My dreams last night were effed up. The first entailed a vision of my father shooting himself in the head (WTF?!) and the second was about me meeting an amazing man who was completely head over heels for me, but about an inch shorter than me.
Yeah...Um.....enough with the crazy dreams self...alright?!

3) I sprained my ankle a week ago, and it's making me feel old. Growing up as an athlete, I've sprained my ankles a couple of times....they always healed rather quickly, and I moved on. This time...is.different. For the first time, my foot is actually swollen. Like puffy, water retaining swollen (gag me now). Thankfully it doesn't hurt to walk on it! I'm doing my best to keep it elevated, and am seriously considering starting myself on a diet of Advil to help keep the swelling down. Somethings gotta give!!

A Little Goes a LOOONG Way.

I am writing you today to tell you about an upcoming event that I am participating in that is both very important and very exciting to me. It is NAMIWalks for the Mind of America, NAMI’s signature walkathon event that is being held in Minneapolis, MN at Minnehaha Park on September 26, 2009.

Ok peeps. I'm not one to solicit, but this...this I cannot resist.

As I've mentioned previously, a person I went to high school with recently passed away. He suffered from a mental illness, and although it did not define him, it led him to take his life just over a week ago.

To honor his memory and to help others who suffer from debilitating mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, please help support me as I've joined a team that is walking in my friend's name.

I would like to ask you to come and walk with me or to donate to support my participation in this great event. If you would like to register to walk with me, visit my team's page at http://www.nami.org/namiwalks09/MIN/teamjohnson. Or if you just want to make a donation to sponsor me, visit http://www.nami.org/walkdonation.cfm?id=90562. Donating online is fast and secure, and I'll get immediate notification via e-mail of your donation.

NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, is the largest education, support and advocacy organization that serves the needs of all those whose lives are touched by these illnesses. This includes persons with mental illness, their families, friends, employers, the law enforcement community and policy makers. The NAMI organization is composed of approximately 1100 local affiliates, 50 state offices and a national office.

The goals of the NAMIWalks program are: to fight the stigma that surrounds mental illness, to build awareness of the fact that the mental health system in this country needs to be improved, and to raise funds for NAMI so that they can continue their mission.

NAMI is a 501(c)3 charity and any donation you make to support my participation in this event is tax deductible. NAMI has been rated by Worth magazine as among the top 100 charities "most likely to save the world" and has been given an "A" rating by The American Institute of Philanthropy for efficient and effective use of charitable dollars.

Thank you in advance for your support. If you are interested in supporting me via a monetary donation, please leave a comment including your email address and I will send you my full name so you can look me up.

I cannot reiterate how much your support means to me.

He's out there....

He will look at me, and appreciate all that my curves have to offer.
He'll see past my flaws.
He'll shrug off my wacky ideas, and love me because of them.
He'll love my cooking, and he'll love cleaning up after our meals to show his gratitude.
He'll embrace my mood swings, and be patient with me.
We'll get lost looking into each other's eyes.
He'll accept that I always make fun, spontaneous purchases.
He'll cherish my zany, sarcastic personality.
He'll love me for me.

I know he is out there, my soul mate. I'm comfortable not knowing who he is at this moment in my life. I am not going to search outright for him right now. I'm extremely content focusing my time and effort on little man, and maintaining the friendships I currently have. It brings me peace of mind to embrace this level of independence. With my comfort comes an aura of peace that I haven't felt in a while. I don't need him today, and I don't believe I'll need him tomorrow....I am living each day thankful that I have the opportunity to do so.

When he comes into my life, I will be excited to share my good fortune with him. Although it's the furthest thing from a monetary fortune there could be, it's MY fortune...and if I were to sell it today, the dollar amount would be priceless. Honestly, I could never put a price on love, happiness and health.