Some days are great, others are not...but no matter what twists and turns I encounter, you can be sure I'm going to write about it!

Friday, April 23, 2010

The Single Parent

Are you a person who is single, and declares they won't date a person if they have kids?
Why?
Have you dated a person with kids before, only to find out they were a hot mess?
Are you under the impression that dating a person with a child isn't fun?
What gives?

Stepping onto my soap box for a moment, I honestly do not understand why some people openly declare they won't date a person with a child. Just because someone has a child doesn't mean they have scales, doesn't mean they're boring, and certainly doesn't mean they're expecting you to become a parent.

I've come across this road block a few times. Friends have openly told me that they can't think of any guys to introduce to me to because they feel men have a hard enough time committing to someone, let alone dating someone that has a child. I call BS.

See, I love my friends...but I feel like they've got it all wrong, after all, not a single friend of mine is also a parent (whoa, that sounds super judgy mcjuderson..but hear me out). I've also run across "Wants" on some online dating sites that openly state "What a man wants in a woman; Kids: NO."

Sure, kids can be a handful. Sure, kids can slightly limit the amount of spontaneous things you can do on any given night. But kids are amazing. They force you to see the world in a different perspective, even if you're resistant. They can make you laugh even when you're trying to be super serious. They give the greatest hugs. Kids, while at times can bring out the worst in someone, have an amazing ability to bring out the best more often than not. They are grounding. They are energizing. They are simple but complex at the same time. As shocking as this might sound to some, kids are people too.

I can say, with the utmost of certainty, that my child makes me a better person.

...so, tell me. How does having a child make a person undateable? I'm not buying it in the least.

(I guess this is my feable attempt to open up some dialogue, and make me understand (or gain fresh perspective) as to where all of the negativity surrounding dating single parents comes from)

8 comments:

  1. Hi, my name is Beth, and I'm a single woman who won't date someone with kids.

    Why won't I date someone with kids? I'm not in a place where I want kids in my life right now. No offense to dudes with kids, it's just not what I want.

    I'm trying to think of a comparison statement. Like, I have rules for who I date. I won't date anyone who does drugs, owns a gun, has a bad relationship with their family, etc.

    With the previous statement, it might seem that I'm saying kids are bad. This isn't what I'm saying at all. I'm saying that having a child is part of the parent's personality and part (most) of their priority. Kids are a big, if not the biggest, part of the parent's life.

    I agree with you, Stacy, in that someone who has a child isn't boring or expecting me to be a parent. Or have scales. :)

    There are guys out there who not only are OPEN to dating someone with a child, but SEEK it out! THEY EXIST.

    Obviously I'm not a parent. I may be one day, but not now. So, I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes.

    Also, your kid is amazing. :)

    Having a child does NOT make you un-dateable, but it may limit your dating pool. But there are a lot of things that limit someone's dating pool.

    Like, there may be guys out there who won't date a woman who owns a house, because they are intimidated by success. So, I'm not going to date those guys and it's not a big deal. Guys might not want to date me because I have red hair, or because I drive a Taurus, or whatever. I don't care what the reason is, if they don't want to date me, I don't want to date them.

    I would be more interested to hear from single guys on this topic.

    THERE ARE GUYS OUT THERE WHO ARE RIGHT FOR YOU, STACY. Just be patient. :)

    ♥ u,

    Beth

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  2. Beth -
    Great comment, and an interesting perspective.

    Kids are a big deal. I respect that...I just want people to remember that parents are people who just so happen to have a parental label.

    Thanks for sharing...

    <3 u too!

    Stacy

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  3. Andy here. I am a single man. Been that way for like 25 of my 28 years, my Norm, not the one from Cheers... MOVING ON!

    Stacy you are awesome. I was watching this Michael Buble video from SNL "Haven't met you yet" very cool. He seems very happy while he is singing about not having yet met a 'special someone', but I think he might be married, so earsy fer herm ter've sed.

    Some people won't date a parent because they have been brainwashed others need things very simple, others have priorities conflicting. An open discussion of 'single parent' and dating may get people to open their minds and reconsider.

    I think there are lots of men that don't have single parent as a 'dealbreaker'. The question I ask myself: What ridiculous dealbreakers do I have? I am working on having fewer. I am realizing I have many 'dealmakers'
    too, but scared to mention them sometimes because I like to hear them unprompted. Hopefully this paragraph applies to many people.

    "I sleep on the soil, my wealth is hidden in the matress."

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  4. I think that if someone doesn't want to date a person with kids, it's not about the parent or any persons (parent or child) specifically. It's about fear. Dating is scary. The person you are starting to date takes a lot o getting-to-know. And with kids, well that's more people to get to know and worry "what if they don't like me." Also there are a lot of people out there who are ambivelent about kids or having kids until they actually do. So when they are single and childless, they can't imagine having a kid around.

    I also say, people in general shouldn't limit themselves. You can end up pleasantly surprised with you you fall for...

    And you are awesome and anyone who wouldn't date you b/c of your fabulous little man is not someone you want around anyway. Really..

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  5. Awesome comments peeps, and (running the risk of repeating myself) interesting perspective.

    Perp. - don't be afraid to admit your dealmakers...an inquiring mind would love to know! (guilty!! hehe)

    Cheryl - True, however I am a firm believer in NOT introducing a person I am dating to my son until (at the VERY minimum) six months. I feel not introducing him to my son should take all pressure away from them getting to know if they're comfortable being a part of a child's life, and allow more energy for the two of us to get to know each other..until, at the very least, I am sure the man I am dating is healthy, sane, and would benefit my son's life. Does that mean I have a time limit on when to call a relationship off? Not in the least...I just don't think it would be healthy (or fair to all parties inolved) to include my son in my dating life until I am positive the man I am dating is good enough to know how amazing my big little man actually is. Perhaps that's also my "protective mama-bear instincts" at their strongest? Who knows!! :)

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  6. Stacy, not introducing them to your son right away is a good way to protect your son for sure. But if I can play devil's advocate, if they are dating you and KNOW you have a son, the information is still there and that fear I mentioned can still be there. In fact, it might even fester to know there is a child there they haven't met but will some day...I'm just saying it's nerve-wracking to meet the parents, childless people might find it even scarier to meet the kid(s) especially if they don't get to meet him. Maybe they want to include him and are wondering why they can't (?). I think I might wonder that..."Why don't they want me to meet their child? If they won't introduce me, maybe it's b/c they don't want me to stick around..." I dunno, just some food for thought I guess.

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  7. Cheryl - Great food for thought...although I'm extremely honest, and wouldn't mind explaining my reasons to a person I'm dating. If they feel strongly like they want to meet my son, I would find that to be great news...but I would also be cautious because I'm extremely protective of my little man.

    ReplyDelete