Another Year...Part II

Four years ago today my baby boy was born. Tears well up in my heart when I realize how fast the time has gone. The time has literally whisked by me...I can hardly believe he's a towering, beaming, happy, healthy toddler...

He's a year closer to being in school.
A year closer to being able to drive.
A year closer to having his first crush.
A year closer to graduating high school.
A year closer to graduating college.
A year closer to starting a family of his own.

Yeah, some of you might think I'm being a bit melodramatic...but to that I say poppycock.

Time flies. I'm so thankful for that...but the selfish person inside of me is a little sad. On days like today, I wish with all of my heart I could make time stand still.

Happy birthday little man. I love you so much it hurts.

Rent.

Growing up, I was never/rarely exposed to musical theater. Granted, we had tickets to the Children's Theater (and don't get me wrong, the kids who put on those productions work really really hard), but I think it was a way for my parents to get me and my brother to sit still without fighting for a couple hours every month than to really expose me to the world of theater.

It wasn't until post high school where I learned or Rent, and explored Broadway (I use the term "explore" very loosely, as I've really only seen one Broadway show, Hairspray, and locally seen Rent a few times).

The first time I saw Rent I was utterly disappointed. The sound techs had effed everything up, so it was very difficult to follow. The second time I saw Rent, I cried.

Where am I going with all of this? Well, I'll tell ya! I've got most of the soundtrack of Rent burned onto a (rather) large MP3 disk...and I play it in my car quite often...with little man sitting in the back seat.

This weekend, he actually started singing lyrics to some of the songs*. He seems to enjoy them (almost) as much as I do...but then I have to stop myself and think: Am I a horrible parent for allowing my near four year old to listen to music that makes drug and sexual references? As selfish as this might sound, listening to the Rent soundtrack really cheers me up...and I think little man feeds off of me being excited about the songs....so for now, I think I'll still listen to Rent, with little man in tote...but maybe not quite as often as this past weekend.

*I busted him singing "honest living, honest living, honest living" from the Christmas Bells song...as well as "Follow the man, follow the man..with his pockets full of the jam."

Happy Sigh.

Today, I am happy.
Some would call me crazy...but if you knew me, you'd already know I'm all sorts of crazy.
The past few days have been whimsical. It has snowed in my neck of the woods...the first time in seven years we've had snow this early, and it makes me smile. Granted, I don't have many negative repercussions in terms of snow. I don't have to shovel or plow. I'm allowed the joys of kicking back, watching the flakes peacefully fall, and soaking it all up.
Since the first measurable snow came so early this year, it melted ALMOST as fast as it poured down. The air outside was warm while the flakes drifted down..unlike December when the air is generally VERY cold and frigid.
Some are claiming that summer went straight to winter...but they're overlooking the fact that September in MN had temperatures consistently higher than normal...if anything, the MN fall has been AWESOME thus far.
This morning, the sun has been shining. The leaves that are still clinging to the trees are glistening. The realization that the holidays are right around the corner can't escape my mind...and I am happy. Happy because the holidays mean seeing people....and people generally make me feel warm and loved.
At the first sight of snow, little man came rip-roaring into my room shouting "MOM! MOM! IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (bless his heart). I had to pull out my calendar to explain to him that Christmas was still a couple of months away...but lucky for me, his excitement was contagious.
I'm not only excited to be around people this holiday season...but also excited to show and teach him the importance and shear awesomeness of giving. Be it to a food shelter, or a toys for tots drive..my goal this year is not to shower him with gifts, but show him how to shower others around him.
So yeah...I'm happy today. Happy for the weather. Happy for my health. Happy for what's to come. Plain and simple, I'm happy.

Thank You, Primetime

"If you don't walk out the door by the time I count to three, you're going to bed IMMEDIATELY when we get home."

"GO TO YOUR ROOM!"

"One more time and you will get a time-out!"

"STOP CRYING, SERIOUSLY!"

"I swear, you're going to make me freak out"

...Not the best or most mature dialogue to come out of my mouth. I'm tellin ya, toddlers are PRO'S at driving adults to the brink. I love little man dearly, but WOW has be been testing me lately.

"BUT I WANT TO BRING TWO HATS MOM! WAAAAAAHHHHHH"

"I DON'T WANT TO EAT THE CHICKEN IN THE PASTA"

"I DON'T WANT SAUCE ON MY NOODLES...WAAAHHHHHH"

"YOU'RE NOT MY BEST FRIEND!"

and the latest....

"YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO MY SLEEPOVER!"

Yeah...imagine hearing the previous...over and over and over again. Recollecting the dialogue between the two of us is enough to make ME cringe!!

Rewind to yesterday. We (little man and I) had experienced a challenging morning with one another, surrounding the amount of hats he could bring to daycare. I had told him he was going to bed immediately when daycare was over, and that he was frustrating me a LOT. I swear, the car ride to his daycare in the morning left me with a dozen unwanted grey hairs.

When I picked him up that afternoon, he had been good all day. A good report is enough to change my heart....hence, I did not send him to bed when we got home. However, when he threw a fit about WANTING CEREAL FOR DINNER I sent him to his room. I really don't like whining...so yeah.

While he was settling down in his room, I whipped up some homemade pizza (thanks to betty crocker just add water pizza crust, and other misc. ingredients I had laying around)...I baked the pie, and we enjoyed a delicious meal. When the meal was finished, we spent some time together, then I put him to bed (only to be met with resistance as is the norm these days..."JUST THESE MANY MORE MINUTES, MOM!").

After he settled in, I found myself channel surfing...only to come across Primetime. And what was the topic on "Primetime: The Outsiders"? Disciplining Children.

They followed three families; All raising a child/children alone. A single mom, a single father and a single grandmother (I was a bit annoyed that they didn't follow a fourth family that has both parents in the household, but whatevs). The single mom followed the time-out model....and she took it to an extreme that I could see myself doing, but I know I'm not THAT bad.

In a nutshell, I found it ironic that the day I had a blowout with my son was the same day this program aired. I'm glad I caught it, too....it taught me new techniques (although some I was already practicing) like ignoring the negative behavior, and praising the positive behavior (even if you're frustrated...).

A happy toddler equals a happy Mama...and vice versa!!

Single Parenthood.

I feel like this is a bold, bold statement...but sometimes I think I make single parenting look damn good.

Let me be the first to tell you that being a single parent has presented me with an intense list of con's that have weighed heavy on my heart. Here's a pro, and a con;

Pro:
I do (and deal with) everything alone - the only resistance I'm met with is my own subconscious (and that of a 3.5 year old).

Con:
I do (and deal with) everything alone - No second opinions for this chick. No ulterior way of handling an intense situation.

Coincidence that they're pretty much the same? I think not.

I'll venture to say I'm stubborn..and I RE-FUSE to let the con's prevent little man from experiencing a well-rounded childhood.

I came to the realization that I make single parenting look easy when I was browsing some pictures I had uploaded to shut your face facebook.

I have pictures of the two of us on the field of the Metrodome, of us ice skating at the excel center, of play dates at the park...Almost every single photo I've taken of myself and little man have been taken by strangers. I tell you this only to shed some light on my situation. Is it easy to ask a stranger to take a picture of you and your son? Nope. But it's worth the (slight) embarrassment to capture our moments together. By no means is this a pity party...just a small glimpse of my reality.

I know I've written about my struggle to remain an individual apart from being a mom...and in doing that, I haven't truly disclosed what I go through as a single mom. Sure, I write about little parenting things, about how I get frustrated when little man acts up...or how I feel like I don't fit in as much with my friends who don't have children...and don't forget my struggles to make friends with other parents...Maybe the majority of my thoughts are over shared musings because I yearn for someone to share the sweet (and bitter) moments with. All things considered, I get that I'm a "mom" now. I think know that it has been a change for the better.

I believe in "damning the man". If someone doubts me, I love proving them wrong. Maybe I feel like I'm doing a good job because I know how difficult the last three and a half years have been. I know I've had choices. I could've given up at anytime, but I didn't...and ya know what? It hasn't been easy. I've shed MANY a tear. I've laughed off much frustration...however, the struggles I've been faced with (and continue to face every single day) are absolutely worth it.

Let it Snow.

Dummy Ass.

Those were the two words uttered by my (near) 3.5 year old on the way to daycare this morning. As I sat in my car, wishing I could get in little man's face to look him in the eye and remind him that words like Dummy Ass are naughty and inappropriate, I opted for the next best thing....Telling him he would go straight to bed or have his toys taken away if he continued to make poor language choices (yup, I'm one of "those moms").

Before I could finish my sentence, little man interjected and asked "Mama, do you have a Dad?" I felt frozen like a dear in headlights.

Was he trying to distract me from his poor behavior? Maybe.

Was his question pure and from his heart? Possibly.

I swallowed, took a deep breath, and was truthful with him.
"Yes honey, I have a Dad."
He immediately responded with "Why?" and the best I could come up with was "Well, it's just the way it is."

I have no way of knowing how his little brain interpreted my half-arsed answers. I could tell his little gears were grinding.

For the last 24 hours I have been asked a million and two times when Christmas was going to come. "Is it Christmas, mom?" "Now is it Christmas?" "Mom, it's Christmas?"

Following our morning discussion, and my lack-luster answers, little man asked if it was Christmas time. He mentioned he'd really like for Santa to bring him a Robot.
I don't know what his obsession with Christmas is truly about.

Speaking from experience, Christmas always seemed like a magical time to me. It wasn't magical because of presents...honestly. Christmas is magical because it just is. Although it's only August, I wish there was a way to harness the Christmas spirit right now....It sure would make life a little bit more sweet.

Lovin My Life

I had a fantastically negative post lined up regarding my disdain for certain family dysfunctions...I slept on it, and decided (as I was about to drift off into la la land) that nobody really wants to read dramatic whining crap.

Here's a couple of reasons why I LOVE being a mom.

Unconditional love.

There's really nothing quite like it. The first time I was slapped in the face with unconditional love was when I met my niece the day she was born. She was pure and complete perfection. My brother and niece's mom were very young parents. I remember walking into the hospital room, saying "Where's my little princess?" They told me she was hungry, and I said "hand her over"....she took her mini bottle from me like the champ I knew she was. It was adorable, sweet, and a moment I will never forget.
When I became preggo with my own little one, I'll be the first to tell you how terrified I was. I knew from the get-go I would be his only parent. I had no clue how I was going to physically bring this sweet angel of mine into the world. Well, truth be told I managed to overcome my fear. As excruciatingly exhausted as I was the night morning that I delivered him, I was also overflowing with a euphoria I could never have imagined. He was here, he was mine, and he was a 9lb, 2oz baby bundle of amazingness.
It's weird to think back to the first time we faced each other, because he was EXACTLY like I thought he would be. Even to this day, I look at him and I see my baby. I see what he'll look like at 15. I see his future. Every time I stare into his eyes, he bares his soul, and biased as I might be, it's a good soul. When he's happy, I can feel it. When he's sad, it pains my heart. He's an extension of me as much as he is his own person. I never thought I could love anyone as much as I love him.

Laughter

As a mom, there are many moments that are difficult to keep your cool. For every difficult moment, there are ten times as many moments where you find yourself laughing at the ridiculous situations life throws at you. Whether it's an accidental slip, an unexpected burp, or a silly facial expression, sharing those moments with my child have given my belly such a workout from laughing.
The silly moments are what makes the difficult moments worthwhile. Recently, little man's humor has began to develop. He tells (straight out) that he's going to do something naughty. He catches me completely off guard, and then he quickly follows up with a goofy "I'm just kiddin mom!" with hilarious hand gestures and all. It's a moment where I can see how much he enjoys laughing. It's a moment where I am so blessed that he wants to share his silliness with me. If you can't laugh at yourself, who can you laugh at?

Effort

There are many moments when I feel like the oldest 26 year old I know. I call these "Jerry McGuire moments." I sit at home most weekends, alone, sulking that most of my friends without children are out on the town being young and spontaneous. Brainstorming ways I can afford a sitter so I can participate in said spontaneous adult activities. Sometimes feeling resentful that I ended up having a child solo, when I had so much youth left inside of me.
Then there are nights like tonight. Nights that involved me, little man, and a beach ball. We sat, hitting the ball back and forth. Occasionally I would spike the ball into his face (yeah, written down it sounds rather cruel...but trust me, we had a blast). His laugh is intoxicating. His laugh makes me realize I'm blessed to have him in my life.
After tonight, I've realized I need to focus more energy on being a better mom. That darn laughing little man is worth every ounce of effort.

Sublime

sub·lime
Pronunciation: \sə-ˈblīm\
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): sub·limed; sub·lim·ing
Etymology: Middle English, from Middle French sublimer, from Medieval Latin sublimare to refine, sublime, from Latin, to elevate, from sublimis
Date: 14th century
transitive verb
1: to cause to pass directly from the solid to the vapor state and condense back to solid form
2: [French sublimer, from Latin sublimare] a (1): to elevate or exalt especially in dignity or honor (2): to render finer (as in purity or excellence) b: to convert (something inferior) into something of higher worth

Definition 3: Most amazing band EVER.

Recently, at a party with a bunch of friends, I dragged the Sublime, Sublime cd out of my car for the party to enjoy. It was worth every cold step from the warmth of the house to my car and back. I haven't been able to pinpoint what makes Sublime's music so awesome. Once the cd was in, the volume was blasted and more than half of the party found themselves bopping their heads and shouting out the words.

This morning, I introduced little man to the awe-inspiring tunes of Sublime. Since I haven't decided if I'm going to run for "Mom of the Year" I took the liberty of shouting out non-naughty words when the curse words came across the speakers. Little man was entranced. It was quite a lot of fun to watch him. He even tried singing some words too.

Moments like this make me wonder what the today's kids have to hold onto for music. http://www.guardian.co.uk/music/2009/mar/09/rihanna-may-testify-against-chris-brown Sad. I hope some high school senior has an older sibling, aunt or uncle who shows them the ways of Sublime.

GOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLL

Little man is growing up, and he's growing up fast. He's adapted funny little mannerisms that he uses on a daily basis to get me laugh. He's potty trained. He's equally enjoyable and frustrating (aren't all toddlers though?).

Forcing myself to remember the family stuff I was afforded when I was little, I had a mini epiphany. I needed to sign him up for sports.

I hopped online, and started digging around to see what was available, and what would/could fit into our schedule.

I found a class called Mini Soccer Camp for 3 and 4 year olds...and figured I'd give it a shot. To be honest...I'm REALLY EXCITED! Granted, I'll admit that soccer wasn't my favorite sport when I was little, but talk about a perfect sport for a toddler who has way too much energy for his own good. Plus, I'm looking forward to a great belly laugh seeing all of these little people huddle around the ball in attempt to be the next Pele.

Now all I have to do is find a camcorder to borrow so I can capture the glory to share with the world. I have a feeling this little class is going to be a night to remember!

Crap.

I was in bed early tonight. the clock read 10"10...it was a record for the week! Instead of staying up wasting more of my time with television, at 9:30 I went to my room and read a book. It was lovely. Lights out was 10:10 and I was basically giddy with excitement at the fact that I was snuggled in bed BEFORE 11pm.

"Click, click". It sounded almost like someone was trying to break into my apartment. The next thing I know, I heard a "MOMMY!" from little man. My instincts kicked in. I raced to his room to find him and his sheets covered in vomit.

Crap.

I removed him from the situation, cleaned him up and did what I figured was best...I let him lay in mommy's room. I gave a pillow I referred to as a "magic pillow" and set a bucket next to him, figuring he would sleep the rest of the night. Did I think wrong.


It's 12:16am, and I just finished putting his sheets, AND my sheets into the washing machine. You guessed it, he got sick in my bed...which also caused me to get sick because I just don't handle this stuff very well.

Fortunately for me, I have been able to make arrangements for him. Hopefully I'll be able to survive work tomorrow.

Questions and Life

This morning, I firmly believe pandora's box has been opened. While walking little man into school, I reminded him that he needed to hold mommy's hand while in the street. He graciously listened, but then let out a "Why mom?"

I almost peed my pants.

This was his first "Why" question...and I have a STRONG feeling it's not going to be his last.

I don't think I was much of a "why-child", but I know for certain that my brother was. I'll be the FIRST to tell you, it drove me nuts 22 years ago, and I'm convinced it's going to drive me nuts now!

Wow..saying something was bad "22 years ago" really makes me feel old.

When I was in my pre-teens, I remember hearing (on some television talk show) that statistically, if a woman truly believes she will be married by a specific age, her chances of being married when she was that specific age increases. Maybe this falls into line with self fulfilling prophecy...but I'll be the first to tell you that my prophecy was not self fulfilled.

I had always imagined I would be engaged at 24, and married by 26...with my first baby at 28. As a 13 year old, I had my life planned out perfectly. Little did I know I'd be a single parent of a 1yo at 24, still not engaged at 25...and who the hell knows WHERE I'll be at 26.

Although my life hasn't turned out the way I originally planned, I'm quite alright with that. I am a firm believer that good things come to those willing to wait... I've put in my time, and continue to pay my dues. I'm happy, and I think that's all that matters!

Do You Hear Me?

I love my son, but I loathe toddlers! Let me explain.

Toddlers just.don't.listen. And what's even more nerve wracking about this, is they hear what you're saying, AND understand you..but they don't care. And they're so darn cute that your frustration levels never push you into a rage, because they look at you with their big eyes and their munchkin giggle. It's almost enough to drive a grown adult insane. Really.

Lately, when I make requests of little man, like "Come on, let's get your jambo's on" I am countered with him IGNORING ME. It's only when I tell him I'll pick him up, or not let him put his jambos on that he perks up and acknowledges my existence.

When I call him on his ignorant defiance, he immediately counters with "I listen mama...I LISTEN!" and proceeds to pout and produce an amazing look on his face that never fails to make me feel guilty. Sometimes, I think he's in cohorts with the devil himself....Only because he's so darn manipulative, and he's ONLY 2 and a HALF!!!

HOLA!

SORRY SORRY SORRY! I know I've been on a small blogging hiatus, but for now, I'm back (sort of...) You see, I've had a ton of things going on lately...blah blah blah, I won't bore you with the details!

Do you remember this? Well...I FINALLY uploaded some pictures last night, and just HAVE to share these gems with you. The following are a couple of pics taken while I was sitting on said tree...and the last one is the shot of my uncle attempting to find a neighbor to help us. I'm SO thankful I can look back on this day and laugh!!!







Happy Voting Day All!! I hope you Ba-Rock out with your COCK VOTE out! :) (I'm not revealing WHO I voted for, but you'd be a fool to resist a pun like that!!)

The Broken Record

I want to rewind to a time when I was taking a D.A.R.E class. What's the phrase they use again, oh yeah! "Just Say No To Drugs or Alcohol." Do you remember how they taught you to be a broken record? Repeating yourself over and over and over again....They "said" when the bad people with beer asked if you wanted one (ha, what a joke, right?) they would get annoyed if you kept repeating yourself by saying "no, I'm not interested" over and over again, and leave you alone to live your life in harmony sans drugs or alcohol.

What D.A.R.E failed to mention is they ripped off the "broken record" technique.

Who did they rip it off from, you ask? I'll tell you who they ripped it off from.

Toddlers.

I swear, little man has MASTERED this technique. "I want more, mommy. I want more, mommy. I want more, mommy. I want more, mommy. I want more, mommy." SER-I-OUS-LY! Yes, it's cute that he's actually talking...but COME.ON! Hanging out with a toddler for an evening is proof that the broken record works...but it's also proof that a broken record drives you to drink.

Maybe D.A.R.E. should've thought this technique through before using it as their master plan to keep kids away from drugs and alcohol.

Spiders, Monkeys and Witches

The spider saga continues. I am literally killing a spider a day. Not a little guy either...a dime sized nasty spider. Gross. Any suggestions? I am a second away from buying "hedgeballs" at the grocery store..but with my luck, little man would try eating them like an apple and get sick.

Little man is continuing to crack me up. He's telling EVERYONE that he's going to be a monkey. Did I mention he's also telling everyone that "Mama needs to be a witch."? I haven't quite figured out if he's trying to tell me something....hmmm.

I'm struggling to think of a story from the past that is equally funny as it is entertaining...but I got nothin. Don't you worry your reading heart...I'm sure something will pop into my head before the day is up :)

HAPPY FRIDAY!

Fall

For all of you google feed readers out there...I just deleted a post I had written yesterday (and was published about 28 minutes ago). For inquiring minds, I had written it about a dramatic petty silly situation at work that had my undies in a bunch.
As I suspected, after a great night of sleep, my undies became unbunched, and I just didn't feel right about airing work drama via the internet. Sorry! :)

A Couple Things...

I am NOT a fan of waking up when it's dark outside. I mean, really! Mama always said, "Stay in bed 'till the sun is up and shining"...why can't that apply to the working world too??

The weather in MN cracked yesterday, and was BE-A-U-TIFUL! I took the liberty of going on a short 1/2 mile walk with little man. We walked over to visit with a friend, and on the way to and from my little stinker was talking my ear off. I need to force myself to have more moments like this with him. It sure beats sitting inside watching tv!

blurbalicious

I never dry my shirts or pants in a dryer; I hang my shirts to dry in my closet, and drape my pants over the back of my kitchen chairs

I am extremely tough on myself

I think my passion for life is misleading and often times intimidating

Laundry depresses me

...So does dating

Sometimes, I take an opposing side just for the sake of a great discussion

I see the good in people, and am mostly in denial about the negative aspects of people

Little man amazes me more and more each day

Often times, I wonder if broken relationships from the past will ever be mended

I am obsessively narcissistic about my blog. Some days I really want to be funny, others I strictly want to vent...but everyday I constantly check my site stats (kind of sick, eh?)

I have a really thick Minnesotan accent

I wish I had a circle of single parent friends...or even just parent friends that I could relate to and turn to for support

I hate money

I love school/learning

I admire people who can run a mile without stopping

I wonder if I'll ever be invited to play a role in someones wedding

I am almost convinced that I'm addicted to sugar

Tonight is the first time in as long as I can remember that I washed some clothes, and actually put them away in the same night


Those are a few blurbs about me...stealing borrowing inspiration from Cheryl, are there any questions you feel like asking me? Anything, really...Remember, you'll never know unless you ask :) (well, that's not totally true, but work with me people!)

Thanks Baby Boy

Dear Little Man,
The past week has been a whirlwind of emotions. Some amazing, some not so much. In all, it has reminded me to cherish you even when you seem to go out of your way to upset me. Somehow, you manage to make me smile when smiling feels like an impossible feat. I love that about you. Like how you looked at me early Monday morning, and without prompting, smiled and told me I looked pretty. This was the first time you've ever said something like that to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks baby boy.
Lately, on the way home from school, you've been in a semi-serious mood. I wish I could capture your facial expressions on camera. They're adorable (and I'm not just saying it either...they are equally as funny as they are cute, I promise!). You tell me something, like "I want fruit snack mama" and then pout your lips out, have a serious brow, and shake your head. It almost looks like you have convinced yourself of a brilliant idea, and I would be crazy not to go along with it. I've found myself laughing at this expression on more than one occasion. Thanks baby boy.
You seem to be a potty-trained master. As much as it drives me nuts, it's very entertaining to race you to the potty when we walk in the door in the afternoon. Mommy always seems to have the urge to go..and your little man feet never fail to scurry behind me while you proclaim "NO MAMA!! I GO POTTY!!" This past week, you've started to take my poor bladder into consideration. When I hear "Your turn now mama!" I can not resist a smile from the way you are using your "toddler manners". Thanks baby boy.
Tomorrow, mommy will have been at her "new job" for exactly a year. You've endured countless early mornings, many long days, followed by random nights filled with errands here and there. I try my best to have at least one quality moment with you each day. The sounds of your giggles recharge my batteries, and reminds me why being your mama is so amazing. Thanks baby boy.

I love you from here to the moon, and back again!
Mama

Heartache-filled Void.

"I want my daddy." The words feel like a a dull sword slowly slicing away at my heart. I try to tell him he has his mommy...and that his mommy loves him very much. I make every attempt to reassure him of this. My heart aches for the void he feels. I wipe silent tears from my eyes. I wish things were different.