The Single Parent

Are you a person who is single, and declares they won't date a person if they have kids?
Why?
Have you dated a person with kids before, only to find out they were a hot mess?
Are you under the impression that dating a person with a child isn't fun?
What gives?

Stepping onto my soap box for a moment, I honestly do not understand why some people openly declare they won't date a person with a child. Just because someone has a child doesn't mean they have scales, doesn't mean they're boring, and certainly doesn't mean they're expecting you to become a parent.

I've come across this road block a few times. Friends have openly told me that they can't think of any guys to introduce to me to because they feel men have a hard enough time committing to someone, let alone dating someone that has a child. I call BS.

See, I love my friends...but I feel like they've got it all wrong, after all, not a single friend of mine is also a parent (whoa, that sounds super judgy mcjuderson..but hear me out). I've also run across "Wants" on some online dating sites that openly state "What a man wants in a woman; Kids: NO."

Sure, kids can be a handful. Sure, kids can slightly limit the amount of spontaneous things you can do on any given night. But kids are amazing. They force you to see the world in a different perspective, even if you're resistant. They can make you laugh even when you're trying to be super serious. They give the greatest hugs. Kids, while at times can bring out the worst in someone, have an amazing ability to bring out the best more often than not. They are grounding. They are energizing. They are simple but complex at the same time. As shocking as this might sound to some, kids are people too.

I can say, with the utmost of certainty, that my child makes me a better person.

...so, tell me. How does having a child make a person undateable? I'm not buying it in the least.

(I guess this is my feable attempt to open up some dialogue, and make me understand (or gain fresh perspective) as to where all of the negativity surrounding dating single parents comes from)

Guilty.

So peeps...I've started online dating again. Well, not actually DATING...but actively looking for a date. I can't decide if I'm happy about this or depressed. What I CAN tell you is I'm a total hypocrite.

I was browsing the "available men" today, and came across a profile that caught my eye. Tall, dark and handsome. I looked a little more into his profile, and it stated he has never been married, but had kids. My immediate thought was to click "next"! And then I felt horribly guilty.

I've never been married.
I've got kids.

I've been scorned in the past, and his profile made it sound like he's still got MAJOR trust issues (read: "I am sick of women cheating on me").

I don't plan on contacting this person...too many OTHER red flags went off when I read his profile...I wonder how many red flags my profile sets off with other guys. I'm very careful about NOT proclaiming to the world that I'm a single mom..I really want a guy to get to know me for me, and not run away screaming from text that says "I've never been married and I have kids".

Meh. Hopefully Karma will be kind to me.

Too Good, or Not Good Enough

If I was asked to label myself as a pessimist or an optimist I would almost always declare myself an optimist..ya know, a glass half-full kinda gal.

While doing some laundry last weekend, I found myself with a mixture of both pessimism and optimism, and I can't decide what to do about it.

OF COURSE it has to do with my (lack-there-of) dating life.

What, exactly, was nagging me?

Simple:

Whenever I talk to my friends about wanting to date they always respond with this fun tid-bit...."I don't know anyone I'd want to set you up with...none of the guys I know would be good enough for you to date." My friends are good people, with great morals...of course I (mostly) trust what they're saying.

...but then the little devil on my shoulder quietly whispers in my ear "really, YOU'RE the one not good enough for them! MWHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I know, I know...I'm a good person. I do the best job I can with little man. I have a job (which is totally a bonus, considering I could milk the system and stay at home with little man...but my conscious would NEVER allow me to do that).... I'm also flawed.
I've got a minimum of 40lbs to lose. My face never seems to stay clear of blemishes (much like that of a 13 year old girl...grrr). My credit needs significant improving. When I PMS I am literally a biz-natch on wheels.

SO peeps...How can I come to a clear concise conclusion that I've yet to meet a guy good enough for me VERSUS me not being good enough for the guys I've met (and my friends have been too kind to actually say that to me).

I wonder.

Most days my mind never stops spinning.

I sit.

I wonder.

Most days, while mind-spinning is occurring, I think about quirky attributes of mine…and it’s always followed up with a “….and I wonder why I’m single.”
I say it with the highest amount of sarcasm imaginable...mainly because I know why I’m single.

• I know what I want and I’m not afraid to say so. This intimidates most males.
• I’m a single mom. While most of you MIGHT think “SO WHAT?!” I’ve heard quite the contrary. I’ve heard that guys fear my breed. They worry that single mom’s will expect more commitment. They cringe at the thought of kids in general, let alone a woman WITH A CHILD THAT ISN’T HIS, GASP!! Oh, and us single mom’s? We have scales.
• On that note, my sarcasm is a bit much for most men to handle. I get it from my father.
• I’m spontaneously on a schedule. Does this make sense? Didn’t think so. What I mean, is I LOVE grasping onto the concept of sponaity. Pre-child, I was one of the most spontaneous people I knew. Wanna drive 8hours to Canada? YES! Wanna jump in puddles? SCORE! Post-child, I need to maintain a mundane schedule of work m-f followed by dinner and bed…and on weekends , I have to adhere to breakfast, lunch, nap-time, dinner and an early bedtime…sound exciting to you? Yeah, me neither…but it’s what I have to do…SO…In order to hold on to that pre-baby spontaneous side…I love to do fun simple things on a whim.
• My self confidence is lacking…but whose isn’t? Even if you proclaim to be the most confident person in the world….you’ve got insecurities. I think mine just show more than others.
• I’m blunt. I’m not afraid to call people on things I disagree with. I know this is an off-putting trait…again, I get it from my father.

I’m currently comfortable with my single-mom-slightly mundane lifestyle. I love experiencing life through the eyes of my little man. I love knowing that I’m raising a boy to be a man (and a darn-tooting respectable one if I have ANYTHING to say about it).

Maybe I’ll wake up next to the man of my dreams one day. If and when it happens, I’m sure I’ll be constantly pinching myself in a swooping attempt to wake myself up. If a man exists that can put up with my silly characteristic traits…he must be a saint.

The Singles.

I was recently told how much I proclaim being a singleton, and how often I state I want to date. Yes, it's true. I tell just as many people in real life about my yearn for dating a respectable guy as much as I tell all y'all.

I guess my justification is simple. How would others know to keep an eye out for me if they didn't know I was looking?

Yup, I'm officially a genius.

I've been asked "Why not try online dating?"...obviously, they don't read my blog OR know me in real life...I've been "trying" online dating for just about two years...and we all know what happened there.
So, as of today, I remain single. I'm comfortable with my routine, and find myself wondering if I could even fit a new man into my life... Ha! I'd like to meet a decent guy first before I worry about things "fitting."
Peeps...if you know a single man in your life, send him my way! Don't let the fact that I'm a single mom deter you from keeping me as an option. Let the single guy make the decision for himself...cool?

...This was a good talk.

Shopping for...?

It's not often I receive great advice. I'm the person who generally talks so much, and has crazy stories to tell that throw people off of their game. Half of the time the advice given to me goes in one ear and out the other because how could someone else I know POSSIBLY understand what I've gone through? (Yeah, I'm not proud of the fact that I do this...it's just the way I am!).

I've stated a few times in the past that friends are the family you get to choose. It's not often I encounter a friend who is outright willing to challenge my thoughts or approach tonight.

Last night, a good friend gave me a bit of advice that was extremely thought provoking. It was about men. Her words were "I think it's wrong that women spend more time on picking out a new car than they do choosing a man to be in a relationship with. A man that (if they so choose) will be inside of them. A man that has the potential to hurt them. Women need to be picky. They need to be courted. Being courted is a powerful thing that women have over men, and they (women) need to realize..." Ok, so that quote was a combo/paraphrase of our conversation last night, but it REALLY got me thinking.

When I initially responded to her, she told me I was getting defensive because her words rang true to me. I don't deny it. I don't deny it one bit.

I've let men into my life that I shouldn't. Heck, I've even let people or "friends" into my life that I shouldn't have. I've grown from my mistakes, and am becoming more self confident with who I will and will not allow into my life. The me six years ago is far different from the me today...and I'm proud of that fact.

Growing up, I can't recall my mom telling me to be careful with guys. I can't remember one conversation where she stated I needed to be picky. I'm not saying she didn't think it, because I know my mom loves me and cares about me. I feel so lucky to have a friend willing to say something so genuine and thoughtful to me.

You've got to be kidding me.

I skidded twenty feet through a stop sign on my way to work this morning. Thank god there were no other cars around. I don't believe I slid through this stop sign because of the glare ice between my tires, but rather because I am extremely distracted and distraught this morning.

I'm not sure if you remember my declaration to not date in 2009. Then, this happened, and I realized I was not giving myself the chance to find a great man to date if I wouldn't allow myself to date.

That being said, I lined a date up for last night. I met the guy through a friend. The connection was ironically made on valentines day, when myself and two friends were hanging out, and I had them go onto facebook and find me a guy to date. It was quite comical, but by the end of the night we had spoken on the phone, and I was pretty giddy about the entire situation. I found out through my friends that he had a tainted past, but figured I wasn't one to judge. I'm obviously not perfect (read: I'm a single mother who has never been married).

I took it as a great sign that he called on Sunday night. I informed him of having a child, since I don't believe having a little one in your life was/is something to hide. He said it didn't bother him, in fact, telling me "your little guy needs to come first." It was a very heartfelt statement. I hung up the phone on Sunday night, with a coffee date lined-up for Tuesday, and a smile on my face.

Tuesday afternoon rolls around. He accepts my friend request on facebook at 4:31, and at 4:48 he calls my cell phone....to cancel our date scheduled for that evening. He claimed to have food poisoning, and I'm not doubting that he did (unless, of course, he had happened to eat at the same Olive Garden as I did, I digress). I just felt in my mom-gut that the timing of all of this was extremely suspicious.

Now, I know I'm not Megan Fox.

Me = NOT THIS:

That's more like it:

I'm more like Sarah Plain and Tall. A girl who is simple. I love to laugh, love spontaneity, and wants people/men to want to get to know me. I am extremely over guys running from me because I have a child. I am NOT ASKING THEM TO BE THE FATHER OF MY SON. I'm the parent. They should be SO LUCKY to get the chance to actually meet my little man. Seriously.

I turned to a west coast buddy for advice. After all, he's a boy, and the same age as I am. I'll be honest, I turned to him because I needed someone, anyone, to say "I agree, that was bullshit." He didn't say that. What I gathered from his words are guys don't want to date single mom's because they aren't ready to be a parent....almost like the "It's not you, it's me" excuse.

Example: "Tracy, I think you're cool, but I don't feel comfortable dating a woman with a child. It's not you, it's me." Do ya smell what I'm stepping in?

Let me be blunt and call out a loud BULLSHIT. I wish I could empathize with this "reasoning," but it's chalk-full of crap. Does the fact hold true that I'm a single parent? Yes, but I refuse to be lumped into a group of SINGLE PARENTS. We don't have diseases (at lease I DON'T have diseases), we don't have scales under our clothes. We are sensitive individuals who just so happen to be lucky enough to have skipped the initial step of finding true love before having a child. Honestly, I'm really no different from your average jane who doesn't have a child. Can people, family, friends and the like please stop lumping me into this stigmata? I'm not a stigmata, I'm a person who has feelings wants to date AND DESERVES TO DATE just like everyone else.

I know some people don't agree with me...and to those, I wish I could put you in my shoes for a day to see how demeaning and frustrating peoples' actions towards me really feel. I doubt you'd ever want to date again if you experienced what I've gone through the past year.

P.S. Today is the anniversary of this. Go effin figure.

Life is Good.

"None of my past relationships have worked out...but it only takes one to work! The rest is just a combination of practice and learning experiences!"

~K. Dohman

That's honestly how I am trying to live my life. With each day of my single-hood that passes, I start fearing that the light at the end of my single tunnel will fade to black forever...I'd be lying if I said this wasn't true. I am making an honest attempt to focus on the positives in my life, and not worry about my light fading. Life is too short to sit and reel over a future that you can't predict. So this is what I'm going to do:

Focus on now, not tomorrow.
Enjoy my single freedom of being able to do, say, wear, go and spend whatever I want, whenever I want.
Be thankful that I have a job which (not only) entertains me, but provides me with steady bi-weekly income so I can pay my bills, and afford a warm, safe place to sleep at night.

It will happen for me and my little guy (hopefully before the Vikings win a Superbowl). I'll keep my fingers crossed...and when it happens, I'll be sure to let you know.

Price Check Please!

I'm honestly bored with dating. I want to find a "soul mate" (ugh, that sounds so cheesy!). The dating pool feels like it has dried up for me.

I've tried networking through my friends...it didn't work.

I've tried the online dating thing....met three guys...I'm still single

I'm not a church girl....so it's not gonna happen there.

I'm at a point where I feel like I need to hang up my dating shoes for a while. Honestly, my dating shoes feel like they have failed me, big time.

So I ask you this....where the hell can I buy a new pair of dating shoes since my off brand kicks have OBVIOUSLY failed me? Thanks...

OH! p.s. I'm a girl on a budget. k-thanks!

Notes from the Heart

Dear Justin,

You've definitely proved to me why you are the hottest, funniest most amazing man.

Love you long time,
Miz

I am Bridget Jones

I feel duped. Why is it so easy for people to find their match, yet so difficult for me to find mine? When I get a glimpse of hope that something is going to work out, I have a door slammed in my face, or a message left that completely cuts things off.

98% of the people in my life are in happy relationships. My circle of friends is rather limited, so I've had to explore more vulnerable options like online dating. For those of you who have never tried this...it's not as easy as one might think.

It's very difficult to open your life up to a complete stranger, and it's even more tough to swallow when that complete stranger decides you aren't worth the time...especially after you (me) go through a lot of trouble to have little man accounted for when we've hung out. I digress.

I'm not saying men have been horrible to me, it's the exact opposite. What I am saying is I am finding it so exhausting to try and weed through guys to find one that will be compassionate and embracing of me, myself and I. It feels like the more I try and open myself up, the more I feel let down when things don't work out.

It's not fun.

It hurts.

If I didn't have little man in my life, I would say I am exactly like Bridget Jones, the tragic spinster version.

I wish I knew what I could do to change this...but for now, I feel my only choice is to cut myself off from dating, and just focus on me and my +1...

Hugs are definitely in high demand right now.

blurbalicious

I never dry my shirts or pants in a dryer; I hang my shirts to dry in my closet, and drape my pants over the back of my kitchen chairs

I am extremely tough on myself

I think my passion for life is misleading and often times intimidating

Laundry depresses me

...So does dating

Sometimes, I take an opposing side just for the sake of a great discussion

I see the good in people, and am mostly in denial about the negative aspects of people

Little man amazes me more and more each day

Often times, I wonder if broken relationships from the past will ever be mended

I am obsessively narcissistic about my blog. Some days I really want to be funny, others I strictly want to vent...but everyday I constantly check my site stats (kind of sick, eh?)

I have a really thick Minnesotan accent

I wish I had a circle of single parent friends...or even just parent friends that I could relate to and turn to for support

I hate money

I love school/learning

I admire people who can run a mile without stopping

I wonder if I'll ever be invited to play a role in someones wedding

I am almost convinced that I'm addicted to sugar

Tonight is the first time in as long as I can remember that I washed some clothes, and actually put them away in the same night


Those are a few blurbs about me...stealing borrowing inspiration from Cheryl, are there any questions you feel like asking me? Anything, really...Remember, you'll never know unless you ask :) (well, that's not totally true, but work with me people!)

Crap.

Sometimes, I feel like I suck at life. As a side note, I'm really trying to keep my glass half full right now.

Let it be known that I made an assumption that a guy I've gone on 2.5 dates with knew I was a mom. For some reason tonight, my gut told me to check my dating profile tonight...and there it was: No mention of me being a mom.

Seeing as I checked this profile at, oh, 11:30pm....I was left with no choice but to send him an email clarifying things. Was this the right move? Good LORD, I hope so! I was too much of a chicken-shizzle to call him...plus, it was almost midnight for crying in the beer! Who is still AWAKE at that god-awful time of night, eh?

Hopefully this blond moment will play out for the better...I am honestly expecting it not to, which makes me a little sad only because he really is a great guy...and also sad because I am a bit tired of people running from me* because I have a child**. It's a tough world we live in.

*Wouldn't it be kind of funny if people saw me out with little man and actually DID start running in another direction? (At least I still make myself laugh even though I feel like an idiot right now. lol)

**Especially because little man really is an amazing component of my life. I know I always say I want guys/people to see me as a person first, but let's face it...I AM a mom, and there's no changin that fact.

Last Night in Six Words

Date. Butterflies in stomach. Go Twins!

Any Suggestions?

Ok...So I outed myself about the second date..and now I need your help. What is a fun and appropriate second date? I am really looking into doing something slightly non-traditional..and with a high amount of fun involved.
A couple of traditional ideas I've come up with:
~Bowling
~Dinner and a movie

I really want to take a trip to the apple orchard...but I would love to reserve something like that for a third date (IF there's a third date...).

Is it bad that I'm hoping there's some sort of drinking involved to help ease any awkwardness of "the goodbye"? I mean, I barely remember the last time I kissed a boy!! I have a nervously excited ball of giddiness in my tummy :)

WHEW!

Well readers...I did it. I took the plunge, and met a second guy from ewhatthehellwasithinkingharmony.
We went through all of the online dating "hoops", spoke with each other on the phone, and had setup a lunch date for today.
The plan was to meet at a restaurant close to my work. I won't lie...I was EXTREMELY nervous about meeting him. He seemed very nice on the phone (but so did the last guy). His profile pictures looked nice (as did the last creep guy).
All fears and inhibitions aside, I enjoyed a lovely lunch with a very nice and well mannered guy. We setup a second date, and at the sake of jinxing myself, I'm really excited.

A lot of inappropriately placed Quotations to ponder

A week and a half ago I had a wild hair up my rear to post a personal ad on a free website. I posted a simple poem about myself, no picture, and somehow wound up with about a dozen responses to ween through.

There was one response that stuck out. It was simple, sweet, and included a picture of a good looking guy that I was very intrigued to get to know.

We spoke for about a week exchanging emails. I had wanted to meet for lunch. We also found out we worked very close to one another (in fact, on the same block, just in different buildings). We set a date, but the day before he sent me an email asking if we could meet for dinner instead. I was apprehensive to agree, only because dinner was so much more of a time commitment, but I accepted his request, and found myself rushing through traffic on a Friday evening, traveling about twenty miles to meet at a restaurant with food rumored to be delicious.

The weather was beautiful. I had on a great outfit, my hair looked cute, things seemed to be going right...but something felt off in the pit of my "mom-gut" stomach. I tried to convince myself it was just nerves, but in my heart I knew it was much more than that.

The plan was to meet at the restaurant around 6:30/6:45ish. I was expecting to arrive at the restaurant at 6:45 on the nose, so I gave him a call to let him know my ETA. There was no answer.

I shrugged it off thinking no biggie. He could be in his car with the music up and the windows down. He could already be AT the restaurant and might not have heard his phone due to the noise levels...the excuses running through my head were endless.
I pulled into the parking lot, and after turning off my car took a very deep breath and told myself "here goes nothing!" I walked in with butterflies of anxiety, and told the hostess I was meeting someone. She did not say there was someone waiting, but suggested I take a walk around. I did a quick sweep of the bar, and the sit-down tables, but saw nobody matching the face of the person I had been exchanging emails with.

I went into extreme slight panic mode and started dialing my cellphone frantically. First, I tried Him. No.Answer. Then I called up one of my girlfriends...she gave me the classic "just give him ten minutes, I'm sure he's just stuck in traffic or something." Ten minutes went by...still no Him. The pit that had been present in my stomach was growing larger by the second. The reality of what I was experiencing was finally setting in.

I was being stood up.

After waiting a half hour, I slowly walked to my car. It wasn't until I was opening my car door that I started to break down in tears. I couldn't initially pinpoint where the tears were coming from...but they were flowing like none other.

At first, I was (for lack of a better word) mortified. I started mentally blaming myself for this mishap (which was totally stupid and unwarranted..but whatevs).

Then, I became extremely offended and frustrated. He knew I was a single mom. He knew I was lining up a babysitter...which I would have to PAY. Not only that, but by asking to meet me AFTER work instead of for lunch DURING work, he KNEW he was taking time away from my son. (cough::DOUCHE::cough).

I know I am better off finding out a person I could have potentially dated is a skeez before letting him into my life...but I just can't get over the inconsiderable nature of standing someone up. He has a cell phone. He has internet access. He knows how to text, call or email. Is a simple "I'm not going to make it" or "I am having second thoughts" too much for a girl like me to ask for?

...More to come with how my night ended (I think this post is long enough!)

Internet Dating

I am WAY too ADD to wait for more responses to my all request blog post hour...The two readers have spoken...Internet dating it is!!

I am still struggling with finding a good guy. My options are still creepy online dating sites limited to the Internet. What can I say, the bars aren't what they used to be..and I don't have the patience to 1)wait for my friends to attempt to set me up or 2)wait for my random knight in shining armor to come knock knock knocking on my door!!

The latest ewhatthehellwasithinking harmony "match" that decided he wanted to talk to me seemed too good to be true. He was tall, and my first reaction to the pics he had posted were brown chicken brown cow SCORE! After drooling browsing at his posted photos, I decided it was worth my time to read his bio. In just about every section of his online profile, he kept referring to his myspace page. "About Me: I love my family....(blah blah blah)...you should check out my myspace page at "abcdefg"." So...since dude OBVIOUSLY wanted ME to check out his myspace page, I figured HEY, WHY the HECK NOT?...I found a GREAT reason for the "NOT."

His page seemed hip...As if he had invested more than five minutes into writing down details of his interests in music, life, television, likes and dislikes..etc.
He had multiple photo slide shows of himself..and then I noticed there were NUMEROUS pictures of himself with a cute blond girl. At first I thought it was his sister...but after paroozing his "myspace page that I just HAD to look at" I came across this tidbit of information...Relationship Status: IN A RELATIONSHIP.

Call me crazy...but this dude has GOT to be kidding me. Who signs up and PAYS for an online dating site JUST to beg single desperately seeking to find mr. right girls to look at his ridiculous myspace page only to find out that DUDE IS IN A RELATIONSHIP!
I knew it was too good to be true! DAG-NABBIT!

**a HUGE shout out to Kate for providing me with the capability to use the strike out text**

Are you single?

Are you single?
Are you straight?
Are you working?
Kiss.
This is the dating philosophy of Denise from P.S. I love you. I saw this movie for the first time last weekend. I actually really enjoyed it. I laughed a bit, but mostly ugly cried through the roller coaster of emotions it sent me on.
I really admire the balls that Denise had. She defended her opening questions she posed to men by telling her friends she feels she deserves a great man, and that he's out there...somewhere.
I know I don't live in the movies, but I do hope and dream that I will whimsically be swept off of my feet. I still hold onto hope that sooner or later, I will meet Him. He will be fantastic, accepting, humorous, and open. He will enjoy spending time with me, and cherish small talk. He will be happy to see my face in the morning. He will love me, and I will love him. He will (for lack of a better phrase) complete me. And yes, we WILL live happily ever after.
Maybe you think my expectations are too high. I don't agree. I know this is what I want, and this is what I deserve. I will continue to hope.

Life

Where to begin?
I'll start out by asking if Baby Lotion is poisoness. Wierd question, right? It's not so wierd if you have a sneaky toddler who you busted with the bottle of lotion to his mouth, sucking it down like it was sweet and delicious, when he was SUPPOSED to be in bed sleepigng.
I have began to dabble in searching online personal ads again. About six months ago I was very intent on finding a special someone in my life, then I had an awakening and realized I don't need anyone, therefore, I stopped looking. Now I have arrived at the thought of wanting a relationship unlike any that I currently have. A person who I can share silly moments with, who expects me to share these moments with him, and not look at these silly happenings as burdens. A person who I can call at a moments notice, and can make me smile and feel better without saying a word. I don't think this is something I straight out need, but it's something I want. It's very selfish, I know.
I did a bit of self reflecting yesterday before I started reading the personals. I could go on and on about how my feelings have been a little bruised in terms of dating, but I will spare you. Instead, I will proclaim my dating independence. As of yesterday, I am going to find love on my own. If a friend just so happens to set me up, then great, but I am no longer depending on it happening. I am willing to take risks, and will do my best to enjoy the ride.